MY Confidential

The Internal Dialogue: Mastering the Unseen Forces That Shape Our Destiny

2012-01-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

Though a positive, successful, and engaging person, Pam avoided prolonged looks into her mirror. When she was brushing her hair or applying make-up, she stayed focused on the activity – but would intentionally not make eye contact with herself. Except sometimes. On those occasions a tirade of negative judgments erupted in her thoughts.

If she didn’t avoid the negative assessment machine in her mind by distraction or busyness, the stream of thoughts that flooded into Pam’s awareness would chide her, “Your nose is too crooked. Your skin is a mess. You’re getting wrinkles under your eyes. You’re too fat. Nobody would give you a second look. You need surgery to look better.” In these moments, Pam would cringe and feel the familiar black pit in her stomach suck the positive energy right out of her. And she would begin to doubt herself and her ability to create a rewarding life.

The strange part of this internal conversation going on in her mind was that Pam knew there was no truth to the accusations. Pam has a dancer’s body and is a highly accomplished dancer. In addition, she teaches dance to serious students. She also is a sought-after model due to her beauty and flawless complexion. Over the course of time, she has attempted to debate the negative voice and has tried thought stopping, positive affirmations, and positive thinking. And for awhile these techniques worked – then, like a thief in the middle of the night, the character assassinations would creep back into her thoughts and cast seeds of doubt in her mind.

Pam’s current stategy, common for many people, for dealing with this discomfort was to avoid the discomfort of this internal dialogue by busying herself with work, activities, or friends – anything to distract herself from listening to the critical Judge living within her.

The Internal Dialogue: You and Your Thoughts are Different From One Another

What Pam is experiencing in the example above is her internal dialogue masquerading as thoughts in her mind. This particular conversation is between a harsh critical voice and her self doubt. And like Pam, all of us have some variation of this internal struggle, whether we like to acknowledge it or not. The key is whether we identify with it as who we are.

If you have ever been conflicted about something and were of two minds about it, you have experienced the internal dialogue first hand. Most of us simply pay it no mind and believe that “it is only our thoughts running through our mind”. However, not being aware of it or not understanding it does not stop the force it exerts over your life. It drives our lives. It is like driving on a freeway while looking through binoculars. You are at the mercy of chance to see and understand the world you are attempting to negotiate.

The Internal Dialogue Goes Underground

Most of us are aware of this internal dialogue, but we push it away (much like Pam in the example above). We never mention it to others because of what they might think. This is our loss. Gaining a window into this internal dialogue is essential if we want to discover a deeper purpose, meaning, and joy for our lives. As we learn to observe the voices that lie beneath our thoughts, the transformation of body, mind, and Spirit becomes possible. Learning about these voices within the self is crucial for creating lasting transformation.

There is a lot at stake in this inner struggle going on within the internal dialogue. Staying mindless keeps Pam (and us) aimlessly drifting in the currents of life. Things happen repetitively that we do not understand. What is revealed in Pam’s internal dialogue is that the self is composed of a number of voices – some good, some bad. Let us explore this further.

Like Pam, many of us don’t even realize that an internal dialogue is happening in our mind. This is what I call “mindlessness”. To be blind to the internal dialogue of the mind is to be swept along on the unseen currents of life. Those who are swept along are blind to it – and to its power. Others hear an almost inaudible whisper that is moving too fast to comprehend. Still others hear the internal dialogue and it makes them uncomfortable and they do not understand it. So they avoid listening to it, and this limits their lives.

The Internal Dialogue Creates the Box of Our Comfort Zone

Instead they will distract themselves so that they are not aware of it. They busy themselves with work, conquest, exercise, drugs, sex, the latest toy, or whatever is necessary to distance themselves from the discomfort of getting out of their comfort zone. Others come to live in fear of the negative assessment machine in their mind and shrink their lives into a comfort zone so that they will not be noticed. The comfort zone locks them into familiar, habitual ways and they get stuck in old repeating patterns. This is called a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Very few people learn how to observe the internal dialogue, question it, and explore the design of its nature. It is through the exploration of these voices within the mind that we set ourselves free of their control over our lives and tap into the potential that lies buried within us. There are some negative aspects of the self that have to be observed and confronted, and there are some powerful parts of the self that we need to awaken. It is in awakening these empowering parts of the self that we change the historical script of our life and find new life.

We have to become aware of the war being waged in our minds. Once we grasp that thinking is simply a biological activity, a powerful question can surface – who, or what, is in control of the perception and thinking apparatus of our mind? The answer will surprise you. Thought is important, but it is the voice (or aspect of the self) that controls the thought that keeps us from becoming who we were born to be and transforming the potential of our lives.

Internal Dialogue:
Conversations in the Mind that Shape Our Perception of the World

To wake up to the internal dialogue opens the door for you to become an active participant in the creation of your life. We are all born into and adapt to a world of established patterns of perception. This is how we come to know our world. These perceptual patterns govern how we understand the world and what we see as possible in our lives. These historical patterns of perception are called conversations or narratives and become our comfort zone.

These conversations become us long before we develop the capacity to become aware of them. Once established, they become the world we live in. We don’t have patterns and internal conversations that govern our perception, they have us! If you want to transform your world, you have to have to learn how to identify the conversation that controls the thinking in your mind. And you have to learn to break free from the hold the narrative has over your life.

Breaking Free of the Narrative of the Comfort Zone Creates New Possibility

Let me give you an example of how this works. I work with an attorney who is employed by a large, high powered, litigating law firm and he is very unsatisfied with his life. In fact, he has become “depressed”, and feels hopeless. Yet if he could look at depression as a conversation, rather than a condition, a new world would show up ripe for transformation.

He feels like a victim (is consumed by a conversation of victimhood where he has always had to sacrifice his needs to win approval). With his wife and kids accustomed to an affluent lifestyle, he speaks to me as if he is trapped by his job. This produces his despair. He sees no escape from his dilemma and beats himself up for even wanting to change his life. He lives all week for the weekends when he can live his dream of having a small scale farm. Yet on Saturday afternoons, he begins to despair that he will have to go to work on Monday.

As he developed the ability to observe the internal dialogue and woke up to the conversation of victimhood going on in his mind, he also began to realize that these did not have to be the thoughts that controlled his life. He was able to label the participants of this internal dialogue as the Prosecuting Attorney (who wanted conviction) and a Victim (that beat himself up for not being good enough).

Simply becoming mindful of these two different conversations in his mind – and no longer identifying with them as who he was – gave him a new freedom. In that freedom he discovered that he could awaken other voices that could contribute to his internal dialogue. He found a Courageous Self and a Confident Self that, with practice, he could invoke to be part of the internal dialogue in his mind. He also discovered a Divine Voice living within him that (to his amazement) he had never connected to even though he was a practicing Christian.

As he developed these aspects of himself (voices within the self), his internal dialogue shifted. He no longer was trapped in a “victim conversation”. Discovering he could call up courageous and confident elements of himself into the thoughts of the internal dialogue created new possibilities for his life. Now, instead of drifting mindlessly in the currents of life, he began to learn how to navigate its currents. In doing so, he became a participant in the creation of his life. And yes, he is moving from being stuck in unseen patterns (comfort zone) to consciously designing the patterns that create his life.

Transforming the Conversations of the Self

This opportunity, this choice, to become a participant in the design of your life is available to all. What is required is the motivation, skill development, and discipline needed to learn how to observe the patterns and internal conversations that drive your life, disrupt them, and begin consciously developing new patterns and conversations.

As a human being, it is the greatest gift we have been given. The criterion is to recognize that the gift was not designed to serve the Ego. Rather it is built to serve a purpose greater than the self. Our job is to accept the gift, nurture the gift, and to bring forth the light that lives within us into the world.

It is at this moment that we begin the journey to becoming fully human. In the words of Nelson Mandela from his 1984 inaugural speech:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…. Your playing small does not serve the world…. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us….. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. We are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Rande Howell is a guest blogger for PickTheBrain. He writes about Igniting the Spark of Your Potential and Creating a Lasting Transformation at www.randehowell.com

Source: http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/the-internal-dialogue-mastering-the-unseen-forces-that-shape-our-destiny/

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

2011-04-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

Definition:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions).Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provides temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety. A person's level of OCD can be anywhere from mild to severe, but if severe and left untreated, it can destroy a person's capacity to function at work, at school or even to lead a comfortable existence in the home.

OCD affects about 2.2 million American adults, and the problem can be accompanied by eating disorders, other anxiety disorders, or depression. It strikes men and women in roughly equal numbers and usually appears in childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood. One-third of adults with OCD develop symptoms as children, and research indicates that OCD might run in families.

Although OCD symptoms typically begin during the teen years or early adulthood, research shows that some children may even develop the illness during preschool. Studies indicate that at least one-third of cases of adult OCD began in childhood. Suffering from OCD during early stages of a child's development can cause severe problems for the child. It is important that the child receive evaluation and treatment as soon as possible to prevent the child from missing important opportunities because of this disorder.

Symptoms:

People with OCD:

• Have repeated thoughts or images about many different things, such as fear of germs, dirt, or intruders; violence; hurting loved ones; sexual acts; conflicts with religious beliefs; or being overly neat.
• Do the same rituals over and over such as washing hands, locking and unlocking doors, counting, keeping unneeded items, or repeating the same steps again and again.
• Have unwanted thoughts and behaviors they can't control.
• Don't get pleasure from the behaviors or rituals, but get brief relief from the anxiety the thoughts cause.
• Spend at least an hour a day on the thoughts and rituals, which cause distress and get in the way of daily life.

Obsessions:

Unwanted repetitive ideas or impulses frequently well up in the mind of the person with OCD. Persistent paranoid fears, an unreasonable concern with becoming contaminated or an excessive need to do things perfectly, are common. Again and again, the individual experiences a disturbing thought, such as, "This bowl is not clean enough. I must keep washing it." "I may have left the door unlocked." Or "I know I forgot to put a stamp on that letter." These thoughts are intrusive, unpleasant and produce a high degree of anxiety. Other examples of obsessions are fear of germs, of being hurt or of hurting others, and troubling religious or sexual thoughts.

Compulsions:

In response to their obsessions, most people with OCD resort to repetitive behaviors called compulsions. The most common of these are checking and washing. Other compulsive behaviors include repeating, hoarding, rearranging, counting (often while performing another compulsive action such as lock-checking). Mentally repeating phrases, checking or list making are also common. These behaviors generally are intended to ward off harm to the person with OCD or others. Some people with OCD have regimented rituals: Performing things the same way each time may give the person with OCD some relief from anxiety, but it is only temporary.

People with OCD show a range of insight into the uselessness of their obsessions. They can sometimes recognize that their obsessions and compulsions are unrealistic. At other times they may be unsure about their fears or even believe strongly in their validity.

Most people with OCD struggle to banish their unwanted thoughts and compulsive behaviors. Many are able to keep their obsessive-compulsive symptoms under control during the hours when they are engaged at school or work. But over time, resistance may weaken, and when this happens, OCD may become so severe that time-consuming rituals take over the sufferers' lives and make it impossible for them to have lives outside the home.

The course of the disease is quite varied. Symptoms may come and go, ease over time, or get worse. If OCD becomes severe, it can keep a person from working or carrying out normal responsibilities at home. People with OCD may try to help themselves by avoiding situations that trigger their obsessions, or they may use alcohol or drugs to calm themselves.

Causes:

The old belief that OCD was the result of life experiences has become less valid with the growing focus on biological factors. The fact that OCD patients respond well to specific medications that affect the neurotransmitter serotonin suggests the disorder has a neurobiological basis. For that reason, OCD is no longer attributed only to attitudes a patient learned in childhood -- inordinate emphasis on cleanliness, or a belief that certain thoughts are dangerous or unacceptable. The search for causes now focuses on the interaction of neurobiological factors and environmental influences, as well as cognitive processes.

OCD is sometimes accompanied by depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, a personality disorder, attention deficit disorder or another of the anxiety disorders. Coexisting disorders can make OCD more difficult both to diagnose and to treat. Symptoms of OCD are seen in association with some other neurological disorders. There is an increased rate of OCD in people with Tourette's syndrome, an illness characterized by involuntary movements and vocalizations. Investigators are currently studying the hypothesis that a genetic relationship exists between OCD and the tic disorders.

Other illnesses that may be linked to OCD are trichotillomania (the repeated urge to pull out scalp hair, eyelashes, eyebrows or other body hair), body dysmorphic disorder (excessive preoccupation with imaginary or exaggerated defects in appearance) and hypochondriasis (the fear of having -- despite medical evaluation and reassurance -- a serious disease). Researchers are investigating the place of OCD within a spectrum of disorders that may share certain biological or psychological bases. It is currently unknown how closely related OCD is to other disorders such as trichotillomainia, body dysmorphic disorder and hypochondriasis.

There are also theories about OCD linking it to the interaction between behavior and the environment, which are not incompatible with biological explanations.

A person with OCD has obsessive and compulsive behaviors that are extreme enough to interfere with everyday life. People with OCD should not be confused with a much larger group of people sometimes called "compulsive" for being perfectionists and highly organized. This type of "compulsiveness" often serves a valuable purpose, contributing to a person's self-esteem and success on the job. In that respect, it differs from the life-wrecking obsessions and rituals of the person with OCD.

Treatments:

Clinical and animal research sponsored by NIMH and other scientific organizations has provided information leading to both pharmacological and behavioral treatments that can benefit the person with OCD. One patient may benefit significantly from behavior therapy, yet another will benefit from pharmacotherapy. And others may benefit best from both. Others may begin with medication to gain control over their symptoms and then continue with behavior therapy. Which therapy to use should be decided by the individual patient in consultation with his or her therapist.

Medication

Clinical trials in recent years have shown that drugs that affect the neurotransmitter serotonin can significantly decrease the symptoms of OCD. The first of these serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SRIs) specifically approved for the use in the treatment of OCD was the tricyclic anti-depressant clomipramine (Anafranil). It was followed by other SRIs that are called "selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors" (SSRIs). Those that have been approved by the Food and Drug Administration for the treatment of OCD are citalopram (Celexa), flouxetine (Prozac), fluvoxamine (Luvox), paroxetine (Paxil) and sertraline (Zoloft).

Large studies have shown that more than three-quarters of patients are helped by these medications at least a little. And in more than half of patients, medications relieve symptoms of OCD by diminishing the frequency and intensity of the obsessions and compulsions. Improvement usually takes at least three weeks or longer. If a patient does not respond well to one of these medications, or has unacceptable side effects, another SRI may give a better response. For patients who are only partially responsive to these medications, research is being conducted on the use of an SRI as the primary medication and one of a variety of medications as an additional drug (an augmenter). Medications are of help in controlling the symptoms of OCD, but often, if the medication is discontinued, relapse will follow.

Behavior Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been shown to be the most effective type of psychotherapy for this disorder. The patient is exposed many times to a situation that triggers the obsessive thoughts, and learns gradually to tolerate the anxiety and resist the urge to perform the compulsion. Medication and CBT together are considered to be better than either treatment alone at reducing symptoms.

A specific behavior therapy approach called "exposure and response prevention" is effective for many people with OCD. In this approach, the patient deliberately and voluntarily confronts the feared object or idea, either directly or by imagination. At the same time the patient is strongly encouraged to refrain from ritualizing, with support and structure provided by the therapist, and possibly by others whom the patient recruits for assistance. For example, a compulsive hand washer may be encouraged to touch an object believed to be contaminated, and then urged to avoid washing for several hours until the anxiety provoked has greatly decreased. Treatment then proceeds on a step-by-step basis, guided by the patient's ability to tolerate the anxiety and control the rituals. As treatment progresses, most patients gradually experience less anxiety from the obsessive thoughts and are able to resist the compulsive urges.

Psychotherapy can also be used to provide effective ways of reducing stress, anxiety and resolving inner conflicts.

Ways to Make Treatment More Effective

Many people with anxiety disorders benefit from joining a self-help or support group and sharing their problems and achievements with others. Internet chat rooms can also be useful in this regard, but any advice received over the Internet should be used with caution, as Internet acquaintances have usually never seen each other and false identities are common. Talking with a trusted friend or member of the clergy can also provide support, but it is not a substitute for care from a mental health professional.

Stress management techniques and meditation can help people with anxiety disorders calm themselves and may enhance the effects of therapy. There is preliminary evidence that aerobic exercise may have a calming effect. Since caffeine, certain illicit drugs, and even some over-the-counter cold medications can aggravate the symptoms of anxiety disorders, they should be avoided. Check with your physician or pharmacist before taking any additional medications.

The family is very important in the recovery of a person with an anxiety disorder. Ideally, the family should be supportive but not help perpetuate their loved one's symptoms. Family members should not trivialize the disorder or demand improvement without treatment. When a family member suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder it's helpful to be patient about their progress and acknowledge any successes, no matter how small.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Last reviewed 06/01/2010
Sources:
Archives of General Psychiatry
British Journal of Psychiatry Supplement
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fourth Edition
National Institutes of Mental Health
National Library of Medicine
Psychiatric disorders in America: the Epidemiologic Catchment Area Study
Psychopharmacology Bulletin

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder

Wrestling with Bipolar Disorder

2011-04-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

It's one of the most missed diagnoses in psychiatry. Bipolar disorder, involving moods that swing between the highs of mania and the lows of depression, is typically confused with everything from unipolar depression to schizophrenia to substance abuse, to borderline personality disorder, with just about all stops in between. Patients themselves often resist diagnosis, because they may not see as pathologic the surge in energy that accompanies the mania or hypomania that distinguishes the condition.

But on a few points consensus is emerging. Bipolar disorder is a chronically recurring illness. And the age of onset is dropping—in less than one generation it has gone from age 32 to 19. Whether there is a genuine increase in prevalence of the disorder is a matter of some debate, but there does seem to be a genuine increase among the young.

What's more, the depression of manic-depression is emerging as a particularly thorny problem for both patients and their doctors.

"Depression is the bane of treatment of bipolar disorder," says Robert M.A. Hirschfeld, M.D., head of psychiatry at the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston.

It's what is most likely to motivate patients to accept care. People spend more time in the depression phase of the disorder. And unlike unipolar depression, the depression of bipolar illness tends to be treatment-resistant.

"Antidepressants don't work very well in bipolar depression," says Dr. Hirschfeld. "They are underwhelming in their ability to treat the depression." In fact, a shift away from antidepressants is formally recognized in new treatment guidelines for bipolar disorder just released by the American Psychiatric Association.

As physicians gain experience in treating the disorder, they are discovering that antidepressants have two negative effects on the course of the disorder. Used by themselves, antidepressants can induce manic episodes. And over time they can accelerate mood cycling, increasing the frequency of episodes of depression or of mania followed by depression.

Instead, research points to the value of drugs that work as mood stabilizers for the depression of bipolar disorder, either alone or in combination with antidepressants. If antidepressants have any use at all in bipolar disorder, it may be as acute treatment for bouts of severe depression before mood stabilizers are added or substituted.

Even in cases of severe depression, the new guidelines favor increasing the dosage of mood stabilizers over other strategies.

Not so long ago, mood stabilizers could be summed up in a single word—lithium, in use since the 1960s to tame mania. But research has additionally demonstrated the effectiveness of divalproex sodium (Depakote) and lamotrigine (Lamictal), drugs that were initially developed for use as anticonvulsants in seizure disorders. Divalproex sodium has been approved for use as a mood stabilizer in bipolar disorder for several years, while lamotrigine is undergoing clinical trials for such an application.

"Optimizing the dose of lithium or divalproex has good antidepressant effects," reports Dr. Hirschfeld. "We also now know that divalproex and lamotrigine are very good for preventing recurrence in bipolar patients." A study showed that lamotrigine not only delays the time to any mood events but is notably effective against the depressive lows of bipolar illness.

No one knows for sure exactly how anticonvulsants work in bipolar disorder. For that matter, the condition has been described since the time of Hippocrates, but it is still not clear what goes awry in manic-depression.

Despite the unknowns, medications for treating the disorder are proliferating. In contrast to downplaying antidepressants in the depressive phase of the disorder, clinical research is ramping up the value of antipsychotic drugs for combating the manic phase, albeit a new generation of such drugs, collectively called atypical antipsychotics. Chief among them are olanzapine (Zyprexa) and risperidone (Risperdal). They are now considered a first-line approach to acute mania, and adjuncts for long-term therapy along with mood stabilizers.

In the long term, however, observes Nassir Ghaemi, M.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard and head of bipolar research at Cambridge Hospital, medication goes only so far. "Drugs are not effective enough. It may have to do with the overuse of antidepressants; they interfere with the benefits of mood stabilizers.

"Medications don't take you to the finish line." There seem to be residual symptoms of depression that don't clear. Even when patients stabilize into a normal, or euthymic, mood state, he says, some troubling signs can appear.

"Sometimes we see in euthymic patients cognitive dysfunction that we didn't expect in the past—word-finding difficulties, trouble maintaining concentration," Dr. Ghaemi explains. "Cumulative cognitive impairment seems to emerge with time. It may be related to findings of decreased size of the hippocampus, a brain structure that serves memory. We are on the verge of recognizing long-term cognitive impairment as a result of bipolar disorder."

He believes there is a role for aggressive psychotherapy for keeping patients well, for keeping everyday ups and downs from becoming full-blown episodes. At the very least, he finds, psychotherapy can help patients resolve the work and relationship problems that often outlast symptoms.

In addition, psychotherapy can help patients learn new coping styles and interpersonal habits. "Many of the ways patients deal with their illness are not relevant when they are well," explains Dr. Ghaemi.

For example, he says, many people develop the habit of staying up late as a way of coping with the manic symptoms. "What they couldn't change before because of the illness needs to be changed after treatment if, for example, it bothers a spouse. People have to learn to change. But the longer one is ill, the harder it is to become completely well, because the harder it is to change the habits of one's life."

And for young people diagnosed with bipolar illness, he considers psychotherapy essential. "The younger patients are, the less convinced they are that they have bipolar disorder," he says. "They have impaired insight. They're especially concerned about the need to take medications. They should be in psychotherapy to get educated about the illness and medication."

He also stresses the value of support groups, especially for young people. "It's another, important layer of validation."

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on May 01, 2002 - last reviewed on July 24, 2007

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200306/wrestling-bipolar-disorder

Client's Letter to Counselor

2011-04-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

Although I have received a fair amount of letters and feedbacks from past clients over the many years of practice, I have never considered organizing a more orderly method of collecting these much needed information.

As a start, I'd like to share a short note I received from a client; with her personal consent, of course. I've also deleted her name to protect her identity for privacy reasons. Below is the note she sent me:

salam. kak johana,

thanks for the friend approval.

also, i have to say that i'm very glad you took up psychology and having your own practice because you're really good at it.

its a big relief to have someone to not only understand but to be able to offer solutions.

i'm happy that the chronic fatigue syndrome was pointed out and really happy that the multivitamins/exercises/deep breathing are working out. i also love working at the assignments given.

looking forward to combat the post trauma stress disorder and driving phobia. truthfully still nervous thinking about driving but i hope to get over it.

insya'allah.

here's wishing you all the best and May Allah bless you!

jazakallah.
-xxx-

Any of my past and current clients are most welcomed to write comments here using pseudonyms. Given time, I will create a link specifically designed for feedback purposes only. Meanwhile, to all my clients, past and present; thank you for providing me the opportunity to be useful in your lives. Stay blessed, sweet ones.

Unbearable pain behind suicides | Free Malaysia Today

2011-04-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

Unbearable pain behind suicides | Free Malaysia Today

Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution

2011-01-15T03:50:00.000-08:00

The wedding of the 20th century, in 1981, celebrated a marriage that turned out to be a huge bust. It ended as badly as a relationship can: scandal, divorce and, ultimately, death and worldwide weeping.

So when the firstborn son of that union, Britain's Prince William, set in motion the wedding of this century by getting engaged to Catherine Middleton, he did things a little differently. He picked someone older than he is (by six months), who went to the same university he did and whom he'd dated for a long time. Although she is not of royal blood, she stands to become the first English Queen with a university degree, so in one fundamental way, theirs is a union of equals. In that regard, the new couple reflect the changes in the shape and nature of marriage that have been rippling throughout the Western world for the past few decades.

(See an album of British royal weddings.)

In fact, statistically speaking, a young man of William's age — if not his royal English heritage — might be just as likely not to get married, yet. In 1960, the year before Princess Diana, William's mother, was born, nearly 70% of American adults were married; now only about half are. Eight times as many children are born out of wedlock. Back then, two-thirds of 20-somethings were married; in 2008 just 26% were. And college graduates are now far more likely to marry (64%) than those with no higher education (48%).

(See a video of Belinda Luscombe sharing her thoughts on the TIME/Pew survey.)

When an institution so central to human experience suddenly changes shape in the space of a generation or two, it's worth trying to figure out why. This fall the Pew Research Center, in association with TIME, conducted a nationwide poll exploring the contours of modern marriage and the new American family, posing questions about what people want and expect out of marriage and family life, why they enter into committed relationships and what they gain from them. What we found is that marriage, whatever its social, spiritual or symbolic appeal, is in purely practical terms just not as necessary as it used to be. Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children — yet marriage remains revered and desired.

(See the Pew Research Center's full report "The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.")

And of all the transformations our family structures have undergone in the past 50 years, perhaps the most profound is the marriage differential that has opened between the rich and the poor. In 1960 the median household income of married adults was 12% higher than that of single adults, after adjusting for household size. By 2008 this gap had grown to 41%. In other words, the richer and more educated you are, the more likely you are to marry, or to be married — or, conversely, if you're married, you're more likely to be well off.

(See pictures of couples that have been married for 50 years.)

The question of why the wealth disparity between the married and the unmarried has grown so much is related to other, broader issues about marriage: whom it best serves, how it relates to parenting and family life and how its voluntary nature changes social structures.

The Marrying Kind
In 1978, when the divorce rate was much higher than it is today, a TIME poll asked Americans if they thought marriage was becoming obsolete. Twenty-eight percent did.

(See Part I of the TIME/Pew results.)

Since then, we've watched that famous royal marriage and the arrival of Divorce Court. We've tuned in to Family Ties (nuclear family with three kids) and Modern Family (nuclear family with three kids, plus gay uncles with an adopted Vietnamese baby and a grandfather with a Colombian second wife and dorky stepchild). We've spent time with Will and Grace, who bickered like spouses but weren't, and with the stars of Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, who were spouses, bickered and then weren't anymore. We've seen some political marriages survive unexpectedly (Bill and Hillary Clinton) and others unpredictably falter (Al and Tipper Gore).

The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage

2011-01-15T03:42:00.000-08:00

By TARA PARKER-POPE

Published: December 31, 2010

A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.

But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.

“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, apsychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”

The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?

Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.

Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.

Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.

To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full quiz measuring self-expansion.)

While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.

“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself.”

The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.

The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. Inresearch at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love.

After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the way they looked at themselves.

“You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.”

Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.

Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.

In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later, the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked to indicate which ones described them.

People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses.

“It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr. Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is that me or is that you?’ ”

It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life.

All of this can be highly predictive for a couple’s long-term happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”

Source: New York Times - Week In Review.

Understanding Your Child's Personality

2011-01-15T03:34:00.000-08:00

The art of good parenting begins with the fundamental skill of seeing through the eyes of the child, of sharing the child's view or reality, feelings and hopes. It is this awareness of the world that permits a parent, grandparent or teacher to hold the child when threatened, to love the child when lonely, to teach the child when inquisitive, and to discipline the child who knows he is wrong.

The success of the entire parent-child relationship depends on this perceptive skill. How often do teenagers complain, "My parents don't understand me"? They are pronouncing judgment on their parents' inability to "mind read" their life. This ability is acquired by developing an understanding of the meaning of behavior.

Behavior, in turn, is closely related to those mysterious factors of individuality and temperament. Every parent of more than one child has wondered how two children raised in the same home with the same genetic makeup can be so different from one another. How can one child be so reverently quiet and withdrawn, while another is so noisy and self-assertive?

Extending that question to adulthood, we might wonder why one person is kind and gentle, while another is mean and hateful. Certainly, part of the story of human temperament is told by genetics, but I believe the real heavyweight in shaping the personality is that same old companion--inferiority.

You see, damage to the ego (loss of self-worth) actually equals or exceeds the pain of physical discomfort in intensity. In fact, I have seen people experience extreme physical pain, and I have witnessed others whose self-esteem had completely crumbled. I believe the latter is worse! It gnaws on the soul through the conscious mind by day and in the dreams by night. So painful is its effect that our entire emotional apparatus is designed to protect us from its oppression.

A sizable portion of all human activity is devoted to the task of shielding us from the inner pain of inferiority. I believe this to be the most dominant force in life, even exceeding the power of sex in its influence. Therefore, if we are to understand the meaning of behavior in our boys and girls, husband or wife, friends and neighbors--and even our enemies--then we must begin by investigating the ways in which human beings typically cope with self-doubts and personal inadequacies.

Six personality patterns, I believe, offer the most direct and accurate explanation of human behavior that I have seen. Most children adopt one or more of these avenues of defense. Each parent is encouraged to look through this article for the footprints of his own child, and while doing so, he might even find the sand-filled remnants of his own tracks. The six patterns are:

1 "I'll withdraw";
2. "I'll fight";
3. "I'll be a clown";
4. "I'll deny reality";
5. "I'll conform"; and
6. "I'll compensate." (By James Dobson, Ph.D.)

This material is excerpted from Dr. Dobson's book The New Hide or Seek (copyright © 1974, 1979, 1999 by James Dobson), published by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group, and is used by permission.

Source: http://www.mysinchew.com/node/39898

Break Ups: How To Survive Them

2010-10-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

The loss of a relationship can be incredibly hard - you can feel so much pain. There's not only the grief from losing someone important in your life, but the pain of seeing your hopes and dreams of a future life together disappear as well. Sometimes this is the hardest part - having to totally readjust your view of how you saw your life unfolding in the next 5 to10 years. Suddenly, you can't see into the future and it's scary.

Feeling Like You're Starting Over

You may feel like you're starting over - that you've lost everything that was important to you and you're not sure what to do anymore. It may be hard for you to imagine your life without your partner - your lives have been so intertwined.

Let yourself know that you will get through this.

Having Difficulty Trusting Again

You may find yourself questioning who you can trust, including your own judgment since you may not have expected the break-up. You may wonder if you were wrong to have trusted your partner. You may begin to question how real your relationship was because if it was real how could it be over?

Your ability to trust may feel shaky. You probably trusted your partner, and expected your relationship to last. You may feel alone and abandoned, even if you're the one who decided to leave.

While it takes time, you can re-build trust in yourself and others again. Even though this relationship is over that doesn't mean that you were wrong to trust her/him, and even if you were that doesn't mean that you'll make that mistake again. You can learn from this.

Having an Identity Crisis

You may experience an identity crisis, not knowing who you are any more without your partner. Not necessarily because you didn't have your own identity while in the relationship, but that your relationship had become part of that identity.

This too will change and you will feel more secure in yourself again.

Feeling Triggered

Break-ups can hurt immensely and shake us to our very core. They can throw us right back to the feelings we had in our first relationships - the ones we had with our parents.

If as a child, your relationship with your parents were loving and supportive, you may find yourself wanting to be with them, even wanting to be a child again when it felt safer and easier.

If your relationship with your parents was difficult, lacking, or abusive you may feel some of the feelings that you felt with them (even if you weren't aware of them as a child.) You may feel as though you are drowning in grief and feelings of abandonment. If you feel as though you are being punished or that the break-up means that you are unloveable, or unworthy of love, you are probably triggered - those are messages, beliefs or feelings that usually originate in childhood.

At times of loss, it is very common for feelings, beliefs and memories from past hurts, traumas, and losses to come up. Not only are you dealing with the present loss, but your past losses as well. No wonder, it hurts so much! And, there are ways to cope with triggers.

How To Survive The Triggers

It is really important that you try to separate out which of your feelings, beliefs and responses belong to the present situation and which ones belong to the past. This is hard to do when you're feeling overwhelmed but it can also help you to feel less overwhelmed. Separating past and present feelings will help you to attach less of your pain to the break-up and can help you to feel more hopeful about getting over this break-up, because maybe you are not as upset about the break-up as you thought. You're still just as upset but it can be helpful to know that it's not all about the break up, that some is also coming from the past.

When you know that you are triggered (past feelings and issues are coming to the surface) you can find ways to comfort or reassure yourself, or to deal with those issues in other ways. The first step though is to separate the past from the present.

Ways of separating the past from the present include:

Ask yourself where your feelings are coming from, and notice what you become aware of, including later on in the day.
Notice whether your feelings are familiar to you - whether you've felt this way before - and if so remind yourself that some of your feelings are probably coming from the past.
Spend time being aware of the past origins of your feelings if you know, and if that's not too overwhelming for you.
Let yourself know that even if you don't know where all of your feelings are coming from, it's likely that some of how you are feeling is from the past.

Stages of Grief

You will get through this, even if it doesn't feel like that right now. Grief moves in stages - it has a beginning, middle, and an end phase. It might help to know where you are in the process.

In the beginning, you may feel in shock, denial, or numb. It may be hard for you to believe what has happened. It may be hard to make sense of it all. You may find yourself expecting to come home to your partner or for her/him to call at a regular time only to discover that's not the case any longer. It may take awhile for you to fully comprehend that the relationship is over.

During this phase many people operate as if the relationship is still on even as they grieve the loss. For example, even though you may be really upset, you may not have fully accepted that the relationship is over. Deep down you may be waiting for her/him to come back. (People do this even after a death, it's normal.) This period of disbelief or shock is the body's natural protection against pain.

You may try to get back together even when you know it's over. You may go over and over in your mind and with everyone you talk to what you think led to the break up or what might have made a difference and resulted in a different outcome. This is the “if only” stage - “if only I had...or, if only I hadn't...” we might still be together. If you are doing this, you are likely trying to make sense of what has happened, trying to understand and take it in, and trying to change it too. It's hard to take in that a break up is permanent. You'll need time to fully absorb this reality.

At this stage, you may have trouble remembering things, focusing, and feeling a sense of purpose or direction in their lives - you may feel as though you are drifting through the day. This is a natural initial reaction to loss.

The Second Stage of Grief

The second stage involves feeling fear, anger and depression. This stage often lasts the longest and can be filled with feelings of insecurity, panic, worry, crying, anger, and feelings of depression. Some people don't allow themselves to feel, while others have trouble letting go of how they are feeling. Both are essential - feeling and eventually letting go.

Some people worry that if they let themselves feel that they'll be overcome with emotion and never come out of it - they'll drown in their feelings and not be able to function. Others feel their feelings but can't seem to let go of them even after a lot of time has passed. Either way, it's important to give yourself permission to feel and at some point to let go so that you can move on.

In the beginning, you may think that you will always feel this way, but you won't. Your feelings will pass. You'll discover that the time between down periods increases. Too often with break-ups we don't feel that we have the right to feel upset much longer than a few weeks when the truth is it usually takes longer. I have found that grief tends to run a cycle of at least one year unless of course the relationship wasn't very important, was short-term, or you were grieving before you actually left her/him. But, if you spent a number of years together, and the person was important to you, even if you're the one doing the breaking up you can still be grieving for approximately one year. Of course with very long term relationships, it can take even longer to feel back on your feet but it is still possible to recover.

The Third Stage of Grief

This is the stage where you begin to accept that the relationship is over, and that you're going to be okay. You realize that you haven't thought about your ex-partner in awhile, and that without realizing it you are moving on. You've gained back some of your zest for life, and are beginning to see a future ahead of you.

Sometimes the process involves a little movement forward and a little back. This is okay and perfectly normal, after all you need to get used to your forward steps and occasionally may need the comfort of what you were feeling before. Try not to be hard on yourself, change is not a linear path. It's full of up's and down's. It's okay to feel good and then feel hurt and angry again, especially if you see her/him in the community or dating someone else.

In the acceptance stage, you've done a lot of thinking about the relationship and the break-up and you realize things that you hadn't before. You understand yourself better, and you aren't as angry or hurt. You find yourself laughing more, and feeling hopeful. You begin to notice that you're feeling better and that you are ready to trust again, or at least to try.

Try not to lose faith if you fall back into a funk - each time that you feel better will have an accumulative effect. Grief comes in waves - up and down.

Sometimes letting go just happens after you've let yourself grieve and rage and whatever else you need to do. Other times, people have to deliberately and consciously focus on letting go. It is tempting to hold on, and scary to let go. Saying to yourself that you are letting go of your ex-partner can be helpful. Interrupting yourself when you get stuck thinking or talking about her/him and redirecting your focus onto something else is all part of letting go.

Filling your life with activities that you enjoy - creative, playful, sociable, soulful activities - are all ways to nurture yourself back to health.

Breaking-up can feel unbearably hard and so permanent. Let yourself know that you won't always feel this way and in the meantime let yourself grieve your losses fully. You will feel stronger and lighter for having done so.

- by Kali Munro, M.Ed.

About the Author:

Kali Munro, M.Ed., is a psychotherapist in private practice in Toronto, Canada. She has twenty years experience specializing in a variety of issues including sexual abuse, relationships, sexuality, eating disorders, and body image. She provides individual and couple therapy in Toronto, as well as online. She offers free healing resources at her web site about relationships, abuse, sexuality, and much more. Check out her inspiring and healing site KaliMunro.com

Source: http://www.enotalone.com/article/2445.html

Ten Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships: Book Summary

2010-10-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

In her latest bestseller, Dr. Laura addresses the problems men and women face in finding peace, joy, and individual as well as married fulfillment in relationships. Filled with letters and phone-in situations from her show, this book offers the sort of no-nonsense expertise that has made her a star.

1. Stupid Secrets
Withholding important information for fear of rejection
2. Stupid Egotism
Asking not what you can do for the relationship but only what the relationship can do for you
3. Stupid Pettiness
Making a big deal out of the small stuff
4. Stupid Power
Always trying to be in control
5. Stupid Priorities
Consuming all your time and energies with work, hobbies, errands, and chores instead of focusing on your relationship
6. Stupid Happiness
Seeking stimulation and assurance from all the wrong places to satisfy the immature need to feel good
7. Stupid Excuses
Not being accountable for bad behavior
8. Stupid Liaisons
Not letting go of negative attachments to friends and relatives who are damaging to your relationship
9. Stupid Mismatch
Not knowing when to leave and cut your losses
10. Stupid Breakups
Disconnection for all the wrong reasons

Living together before marriage

2010-07-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

Living together before marriage

Blogging - It's Good for You

2010-07-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Self-medication may be the reason the blogosphere has taken off. Scientists (and writers) have long known about the therapeutic benefits of writing about personal experiences, thoughts and feelings. But besides serving as a stress-coping mechanism, expressive writing produces many physiological benefits. Research shows that it improves memory and sleep, boosts immune cell activity and reduces viral load in AIDS patients, and even speeds healing after surgery. A study in the February issue of the Oncologist reports that cancer patients who engaged in expressive writing just before treatment felt markedly better, mentally and physically, as compared with patients who did not.

Scientists now hope to explore the neurological underpinnings at play, especially considering the explosion of blogs. According to Alice Flaherty, a neuroscientist at Harvard University and Massachusetts General Hospital, the placebo theory of suffering is one window through which to view blogging. As social creatures, humans have a range of pain-related behaviors, such as complaining, which acts as a “placebo for getting satisfied,” Flaherty says. Blogging about stressful experiences might work similarly.

Flaherty, who studies conditions such as hypergraphia (an uncontrollable urge to write) and writer’s block, also looks to disease models to explain the drive behind this mode of communication. For example, people with mania often talk too much. “We believe something in the brain’s limbic system is boosting their desire to communicate,” Flaherty explains. Located mainly in the midbrain, the limbic system controls our drives, whether they are related to food, sex, appetite, or problem solving. “You know that drives are involved [in blogging] because a lot of people do it compulsively,” Flaherty notes. Also, blogging might trigger dopamine release, similar to stimulants like music, running and looking at art.

The frontal and temporal lobes, which govern speech—no dedicated writing center is hardwired in the brain—may also figure in. For example, lesions in Wernicke’s area, located in the left temporal lobe, result in excessive speech and loss of language comprehension. People with Wernicke’s aphasia speak in gibberish and often write constantly. In light of these traits, Flaherty speculates that some activity in this area could foster the urge to blog.

Scientists’ understanding about the neurobiology underlying therapeutic writing must remain speculative for now. Attempts to image the brain before and after writing have yielded minimal information because the active regions are located so deep inside. Recent functional magnetic resonance imaging studies have shown that the brain lights up differently before, during and after writing, notes James Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin. But Pennebaker and others remain skeptical about the value of such images because they are hard to duplicate and quantify.

Most likely, writing activates a cluster of neurological pathways, and several researchers are committed to uncovering them. At the University of Arizona, psychologist and neuroscientist Richard Lane hopes to make brain-imaging techniques more relevant by using those techniques to study the neuroanatomy of emotions and their expressions. Nancy Morgan, lead author of the Oncologist study, is looking to conduct larger community-based and clinical trials of expressive writing. And Pennebaker is continuing to investigate the link between expressive writing and biological changes, such as improved sleep, that are integral to health. “I think the sleep angle is one of the more promising ones,” he says.

Whatever the underlying causes may be, people coping with cancer diagnoses and other serious conditions are increasingly seeking—and finding—solace in the blogosphere. “Blogging undoubtedly affords similar benefits” to expressive writing, says Morgan, who wants to incorporate writing programs into supportive care for cancer patients.

Some hospitals have started hosting patient-authored blogs on their Web sites as clinicians begin to recognize the therapeutic value. Unlike a bedside journal, blogging offers the added benefit of receptive readers in similar situations, Morgan explains: “Individuals are connecting to one another and witnessing each other’s expressions—the basis for forming a community.”

This article was originally printed with the title, "The Healthy Type".

Source: Written by Jessica Wapner for Scientific American Magazine, June 2008 issue.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-healthy-type

Tips For Those Who Are Lonely and Depressed

2010-07-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

There is nothing that feels much worse sometimes than being lonely and depressed at the same time. Usually, loneliness tends to facilitate depression, although it's a fact that many people who are mild to moderately depressed tend to isolate themselves from others creating their own lonely situation. Sometimes it's hard to know which feeling causes the other, but there are some simple, practical steps that you can take to help you deal with some of the issues of loneliness and depression.

If you are not seriously clinically depressed, in which case you should see a doctor for help, you can make a few adjustments in your life which can help you tremendously. The most important thing is to give yourself something to look forward to that is stable and reassuring during this time of feeling lonely and depressed. One of the best ways to do that is to make a predictable schedule in your life for a whole month. Sometimes scheduling your life around some personal positives within a set amount of time can really add a lift to your life and help with the negative feelings you are experiencing. Here's where to start:

Establish a Sleep Pattern

Make a choice to go to bed before midnight every night for a whole month - Did you know that every hour of sleep before midnight is worth 2 hours of sleep after midnight? Try to establish a routine for your body by going to bed the same time and getting out of bed the same time every day, whether you feel like it or not. This will help your body and mind adjust to a positive cycle of rest and sleep.

Eat Well

Eat at least two well balanced meals a day. Even though you may eat three meals a day, make sure that two of the three are nutritionally well balanced. Breakfast and one other meal are generally the most important to receive necessary nutrients.

Exercise

Add an exercise routine to your week - Even if you've never exercised before in your life, start now! If it's just a simple 30 minute walk around the block, or at the local high school track or at the indoor mall, do it at least 4 times every week. Walk more if you feel like it.

Quit Thinking of Only Yourself

Do one random act of kindness for someone each day - Think of someone other than yourself every single day! Maybe your coworker needs some help, or maybe an elderly person needs a lift to the grocery store or perhaps your neighbor is ill and needs a dinner meal. Send a card, say "Good job!" or pat someone on the back for change. Do something, however small, that encourages someone else. At the end of the month, you will have gifted others with 30 acts of random kindness!

Start a Hobby

Choose a hobby to engage in throughout the whole month - Even if you don't really do anything, choose something. Maybe you'd like to learn Spanish or gardening. Perhaps you'd like to bowl or learn calligraphy. Take a class or join a group or join the gym. It really doesn't matter, but find something that interests you and become involved in it at least once a week for a month.

Have Dinner with Someone

Ask one person out to eat with you at least once a week - Whether it's family, a friend, a coworker or a casual acquaintance with whom you've never taken the time to get to know, ask them to eat lunch or dinner with you. This alone can help you if you're lonely and depressed.

Make these simple choices at the start of 30 days and don't deter from them. Even if you are lonely and depressed, don't allow yourself to be passive. It's only for 30 days! You will be surprised at how you feel at the end of a month of changes in your life. You will benefit from feeling better, looking better and maybe even helping someone else in the process. Many times, by helping others, we are helping ourselves!

- Bryan Sims writes about various topics including health issues and product information for the online audience. Find information about the newest website at http://www.wallmountforlcdtv.net/ which helps people find super saver deals on a wall mount for lcd tv and more information about various types of wall mounts for televisions.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Bryan_Sims

8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid

2010-06-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common.
1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue.
2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one.
3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?

by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance
Source: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/8-toxic-personalities-to-avoid-461078/

The Power of Prayer

2010-06-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

No matter what your religious beliefs are, prayer can be a powerful force for strengthening faith, calming emotions, and even improving physical health.

Praying…does it really help? This sixty-four thousand dollar question has been around since the beginning of time. Some say yes and some say no. So, who is right? I guess it kind of depends on your faith in God and how you have learned about God, no matter whom you perceive to be your God. I am not talking about praying in the context of a specific religion. Religion is an organized set of beliefs we have created to govern our actions and how we think God wants us to conduct ourselves. No matter what religion or denomination we follow, we pray mostly because God says to do so.

What do you pray for? You can pray for anything. People often pray for their loved ones who may be sick or going through a difficult time. You may ask for help on a problem at work, or help with passing a test for school. You may pray for yourself to be a better, more tolerant person, or you may be going through a personal crisis that you can’t handle on your own. You may pray for success. But keep in mind that the meaning of "success" to you may not be the same as what it is to God. You may pray for a Mercedes so you can go to church or take the kids to school. God will help get you to church and your kids to school, but not necessarily in a Mercedes.

The psychological benefits of prayer are obvious—focusing your emotions by praying can help to relieve stress, calm fears, reduce anxiety, and impart calm in the midst of a storm. Praying on a regular basis can have an enormous effect on your psyche by stabilizing your moods, giving you a feeling of well-being, both physical and psychological, improving how you interact with others, and positively changing how you conduct yourself.

But prayer can be a boon to physical health in addition to emotional health. The physiological benefits of praying can be very far-reaching. These benefits have been studied and fully documented in medical journals. There is also a wealth of information on the benefits of praying before risky medical surgery. In a number of important studies, patients who prayed before surgery came through their operations in much better shape than those who did not pray.

Some of the most powerful and successful political leaders all over the world have professed to praying on a regular basis. The power of prayer has helped them to overcome poverty in their countries, keep their people together, and stand up to their enemies with courage and resolve.

Does God answer all prayers? I believe that God does indeed answer every prayer. It may not be the answer we are looking for, but He does answer in His own way and in His own time. Often we become impatient and expect fast results. Sometimes it may take a lifetime to get an answer. Therefore, praying and patience must go hand in hand—praying on a regular basis teaches patience and strengthens faith in God, no matter who you think of as God. There are literally thousands of articles and stories published each year by publications such as Guideposts, Angels on Earth, and Readers Digest, to name a few, about people from all walks of life who have used prayer to benefit themselves or loved ones, often with the unexpected result of receiving more than they asked for.

So does praying really help? The answer is a resounding yes. There is an enormous amount of evidential, testimonial, and scientific proof that prayer really does help us emotionally and physically, not only in our time of need, but also—and most importantly—in our everyday lives.

By Gary Orlando
Source: http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/1-25-2005-64805.asp

Healing the Grieving Heart

2010-05-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

Someone to whom you have given love and from whom you have received love has died. You are in mourning. You are bereft. To be “bereaved” literally means “to be torn apart” and “to have special needs.” I am truly sorry for your loss.

Perhaps your most important “special need” right now is to be compassionate with yourself. Over my years of walking with people in grief, I have learned that many of us are hard on ourselves when we are in mourning. We often have inappropriate expectations of how “well” we should be doing with our grief (Wolfelt, 2001).

These expectations result from common societal messages that tell us to be strong in the face of grief. We are told to “carry on,” to “keep our chins up,” and to “keep busy.” In actuality, when we are in grief, we need to slow down, to turn inward, to embrace our feelings of loss and to seek and accept support.

Good self-care is essential during a time of mourning. It does not mean that you are feeling sorry for yourself; rather, it means you are allowing yourself to heal. For it is in nurturing ourselves, in allowing ourselves the time and loving attention we need to journey through our grief, that we find meaning in our continued living (Wolfelt, 2001).

The following is a list of things to consider as you go through the journey of mourning:

1. Understanding the difference between grief and mourning.

Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies.
Mourning is the outward expression of grief.

Everyone who has the capacity to give and receive love grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.

2. Be compassionate with yourself.

The journey through grief is a long and difficult one. It is also a journey for which there is no preparation.

Don’t judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing. Each person’s grieving process is unique. Each of us has unique needs during this process.

3. Acknowledge the reality of the death.

You must gently confront the difficult reality that someone you loved is dead and will never physically be present to you again.

Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months.

You will first acknowledge the reality of the loss with your head. Only over time will you come to acknowledge it with your heart.

At times, you may push away the reality of the death. This is normal.

4. Embrace the pain of the loss.

It is easier to avoid, repress, or push away the pain of grief than it is to confront it.
You will probably need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. If you were to allow all the pain at once, you could not survive.

5. Expect to have a multitude of feelings.

When in grief, we don’t just feel sad. We may feel numb, angry, guilty, afraid, or confused. Sometimes these feelings follow each other within a short period of time or they may occur simultaneously.

6. Know that grief does not proceed in orderly predictable stages or in a certain time.

Be compassionate with yourself as you go through your own unique grief journey.

7. Remember the person who died.

When someone loved dies, that person lives on in us through memory.

To heal, you need to actively remember the person who died and commemorate the life that was lived.
Never let anyone take your memories away in a misguided attempt to save you from pain. It is good for you to continue to display photos of the person who died.

8. Develop a new self-identity.

Part of your self-identity was formed by the relationship you had with the person who passed away. You will need to re-anchor yourself and reconstruct your self-identity slowly.

9. Receive ongoing support from others.

As mourners, we need the love and understanding of others if we are to heal.

Don’t feel ashamed by your dependence on others right now. Grief is a process, not an event, and you will need the continued support of your friends and family for weeks, months and years. You may also wish to seek support from a counselor.

10. Allow for numbness.

Feelings of shock, numbness and disbelief are nature’s way of temporarily protecting us from the full reality of the death of someone loved.

We often think, “I will wake up and this will not have happened.” Mourning can feel like being in a dream.

11. Plan or participate in a meaningful ceremony for the person who died.

Rituals are symbolic activities that help us, together with our families and friends, express our deepest thoughts and feelings about life’s most important events.

12. Be aware that your grief affects your body, heart, social self and spirit.

Grief is physically demanding. The body responds to the stress of the encounter and the immune system can weaken, making you more susceptible to illness.
The emotional toll of grief is complex and painful. We often feel many different feelings, and those feelings can shift and blur over time.

13. Allow yourself to cry.

Crying is a cleansing and healing form of mourning.

14. Reach out and touch.

For many people, physical contact with another person is healing.

15. Express your faith.

If you have faith or spirituality, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.

This may come in the form of praying. Studies have shown that praying helps people heal.

16. Simplify your life.

During grief, we are often overwhelmed by all the tasks and commitments we have.

During this time it can be helpful to keep your life simple.

17. Allow yourself to say no.

Especially soon after the death, you may lack the energy as well as the desire to participate in activities you use to find pleasurable.

18. Be mindful of anniversaries and holidays.

Anniversaries--- of the death, life events, birthdays, and holidays --- can be especially hard when you are in grief. Reach out to others on these difficult days.

19. Reassess your priorities.

What gives your life meaning? What doesn’t? Take steps to spend more time on the things that give your life meaning.

20. Allow for feelings of unfinished business.

Death often brings about feelings of unfinished business. The sudden loss of a loved one can be very different than the anticipated loss of a loved one. After a sudden death we may be left with feelings of things we never did, things we didn’t get to say, things we wish we hadn’t said or done. Allow yourself to think and feel through these “if onlys”. You may never be able to fully resolve these issues, but if you permit yourself to mourn them, you will become reconciled to them.

21. Write a letter to your loved one.

Is there something you wanted to say to the person who died, but never did? Write him or her a letter and openly express thoughts and feelings.

22. Establish a memorial fund in the name of the person who died.

What was meaningful to the person who died? Did he or she support a certain non-profit organization or participate in a certain recreational activity?

23. Count your blessings.

You may not feel very good about your life right now. That’s O.K. Still, you are blessed. Your life has purpose and meaning. It will just take you some time to think and feel this through for yourself.

This was adapted from the Book Healing Your Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

EMAIL STATUS UPDATE.

2010-05-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

Please be informed that MY Confidential's principal email account has been reclaimed by Johana Dato' Johari with the help of Google Team. Business and services resumes as usual.

Thank you for your patience and continuous support. Stay blessed!

Alert: Scam Mail!!

2010-05-25T02:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers, Clients and Followers,

MY Confidential's email account (johana.myconfidential@gmail.com) has been compromised. The hackers had sent scam mails to all on the contact list. PLEASE IGNORE AND DO NOT RESPOND! Our principal, Johana Dato' Johari is NOT in Scotland and neither is she stuck for money. Please refrain from using that email address to contact us for the time being. The best option for the interim is to call our hotline number or the individual counselors directly.

Any development towards reclaiming the aforesaid email account will be communicated here at this blog site. Apologies for any inconvenience. Thank you for your continuous support.

Spiritual Needs

2010-05-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

Your feelings of stress or anxiety may be your mind's way of telling you to attend to your spiritual needs. The inspiration gained from spirituality is an essential part of the healing process. Mind, body, and spirit are inseparable. Making an overt connection with your spirit will provide healing for your mind and body. Prayer is a powerful healer as well. Praying for someone else is more effective than praying for yourself.

Belief in God helps put our problems in the right perspective. The ones we have no control on can be left to God to worry about. When there are problems that seem insurmountable, isn't it nice to believe that everything is for good and God has a reason for subjecting you to these problems. We will then see the positive side of these problems and will come out better from this experience.

Source: http://www.holisticonline.com/stress/stress_spiritual.htm

Is your marriage in trouble?

2010-01-25T19:48:00.000-08:00

By BRIGITTE ROZARIO

When you get married, everything is beautiful. A few years later, the baby comes along. Then another.

Soon, both you and your spouse are so busy taking care of the family and earning an income that you hardly connect emotionally or mentally as husband and wife anymore.

Having children changes a marriage, naturally. But it doesn't mean your marriage has to suffer.

Registered and licensed mental health professional Johana Datuk Johari sees a lot of couples in her line of work. She says couples should make sure they have a relationship first before they get married and have children.

“First you get to know each other, then when you like the person you start courting. When you can relate to one another, then only can you call it a relationship. Anything short of that cannot be called a relationship.

“A lot of people jump into marriage without even having a relationship. And then they wonder why, when the baby comes, they find themselves in a place they don't like and they're disappointed because their expectations are not met. These are the things that need to be clarified first.

“People get married because they're in love. When you're in love, everything looks nice. But you need to ask yourself, can you like that person? Because, there are times when you feel you want to strangle your spouse but it's the 'like' that makes you want to hang on. There are times when you think 'I don't love you but I like you, so I'll stay on',” she says.

Relationship first

Johana believes that without a strong relationship, having a baby can actually break a marriage. She says that having a child will not save a marriage and children are never a good enough reason to stay on in a marriage.

She advises couples to have a strong relationship before bringing children into the picture.

“A lot of people think that just because they're married, that that secures everything. No. There's a big difference between a relationship and a marriage. A marriage is a certificate saying that you are the husband and you are the wife but if you don't have a relationship then the marriage is worthless; it's just a piece of paper. What adds value to the marriage is the relationship. And, if you don't relate to one another you don't have a relationship.”

When a baby comes along, the couple finds their limits pushed to the maximum. They're both tired and stressed and lacking sleep. Whose turn is it to change the baby or comfort the baby when he cries?

The roles – who does what with regards to the chores in the house and taking care of the baby – need to be discussed and agreed upon, says Johana.

“Negotiation is not just between business partners. Especially for life partners, you should have an agreement. You should come to the table and say, 'Okay, this is what I can offer into the relationship and this is what I can offer as a wife and mother, and this is what I need in return'.

“And the man does the same thing. 'This is what I can offer as a husband, this is what I can offer as a father, but this is what I need in return'.

“Then you see whether you can jive. If there are any differences, that's when you negotiate and compromise.”

The talking, renegotiation and compromising has to continue over the years as the children grow up because with the circumstances are always changing.

Johana rubbishes the myth that having a child can cause a breakup. She says it is often because there was no relationship to begin with or the relationship wasn't strong enough.

“There was an assumed responsibility and expectation upon the other person but it was not discussed therefore it was not met. Therefore, you find two people very frustrated and disappointed with each other and with themselves and not knowing why,” she explains.

Regaining the 'us'

Will more communication help?

While communication is important, Johana says it is not the magic tonic for every problem. Often a couple may think they are communicating but are they really listening? Communication is not just about getting your opinion heard; it's also about listening.

How about having a “date night” with your husband?

Yes, it can help but you need to focus on your spouse and temporarily forget about the children.

Citing her own marriage as an example, Johana says she and her husband have an “anniversary honeymoon” every year even though they've been together for 21 years now.

“We agree not to discuss the children. We just get in touch with the two individuals who fell in love and wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.

“Most often we get lost in the roles we are supposed to play as a mother and wife or a father and husband that we forget the individual; we forget who we are and who we were prior to the relationship.

“So it is good to look at each other with fresh eyes and appreciate each other as who you are now and see how far you've come. It's a really great way to look at your milestones.

“There's no point having a ritual date night and say you must do it at least once a week or once a month and when you go you just talk about the kids. You must want to be with each other. A lot of couples who end up in my (counselling) office have nothing in common except for the children.

Johana: 'The kids are never a good enough reason to save the marriage.'

“The kids are never a good enough reason to save the marriage. If you want to stay in the marriage because of the children then your marriage doesn't stand a chance because you don't want to be together. You just want to be in the marriage for the sake of the kids.

“The kids don't need your marriage. The kids need their parents. It doesn't matter if the parents are together or apart as long as their parents are there for them when they need them.

“So, don't use the kids as a reason to stay married.

“If you want to work at the relationship and marriage then work at it because there's something worthy in it.”

Regaining 'me'

As for those who feel like they have lost their identity and now are only somebody's wife and somebody's mother, Johana says most of the time this only happens to stay-at-home mums.

It's natural for them to feel this way if 90% of their time is devoted to the children and the balance to the husband.

Those who feel this way often have no “me” time and that means they are not managing their time well. They then need to take a look at their priorities.

Johana advises those who feel they have lost themselves and their individuality to rethink their priorities.

“When the child is sleeping you can have some time out for yourself, some 'me' time. And reconnect with yourself by doing the things that you love doing; what were the things that made you feel happy and when you do them made you feel strong? Those are your strengths. You need to do all those things again, engage in those activities in order for you to feel connected to yourself.”

Having “me” time does not make you a bad mother so don't feel guilty about it.

To be an effective wife and mother, you need some “me” time.

Says Johana:

“If we don't help ourselves then how can we be there to give to those who need us? You want to give yourself to your child, but if you don't have 'you' to give, then what have you got? Nothing. Zero. You end up becoming emotionally, physically and mentally bankrupt because you never gave yourself a chance to recharge, re-energise or rest.”

The new love triangle

To make matters worse, a woman will sometimes find herself in a love triangle as both her child and her husband vie for her attention. And, the husband seems jealous of their child.

Yes, there are such situations. Johana says this happens when the husband was mothered by the wife in the pre-baby days.

Naturally, if you encourage that then when the baby comes along the husband feels left out and is in the same boat as those going through the first-child syndrome. He will then be competing with the child for the wife's attention.

Johana pulls no punches with her advice for such a situation:

“Don't mother your husband! Be a wife to him. He's got a mother already!”

According to her, there are also cases where the husband no longer views the wife as a wife. To him, a “mother” is sacred and he then sees the mother of his child as sacred and is turned off sexually.

“I point out to them that first of all he did not marry your mother; he married his wife. And it is their child who should idolise his wife, not him.”

When in doubt

If you think the relationship is strained or in trouble, after the baby comes, then seek help.

It doesn't matter who you go to as long as you find someone who can help you with your relationship. If there is strain in the husband-wife relationship, then it is about the relationship; it's not about the baby.

Johana advises against waiting for the last minute to get help.

“Don't wait till you think you're heading for a divorce. The moment you feel that something is not right, you'll know because you feel frustrated and disappointed. Those are already signs and symptoms that something is not right. So, before it gets to the point where you're sick of each other, please seek help.

“Don't try to fix it yourself. Nobody can. Even counsellors go to another counsellor for marriage counselling.”

A happy relationship between a father and mother makes a happy family because when you have a happy relationship, you have a happy marriage and a happy family.

It all starts from the relationship between the husband and wife.

Source: ParenThots

Nutrition and Mental Health

2009-11-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

Vitamin and mineral supplements can be used to avoid many of the mental problems that a deficiency can cause. Of these, the various members of the vitamin B complex is that which is indicated most, and also zinc and magnesium supplementation are amongst the essential minerals required.

The connection between mental health and supplements is well known, if not fully understood.
It is universally accepted that vitamins and minerals are essential for good health, and there is no reason why this should only apply only to bodily health and not also to mental health.
In fact, can the two be treated as separate entities? When a body suffers from a deficiency of vitamins and minerals, the organs do not work as effectively as they should. Certain conditions occur that can be ascribed to a lack of this vitamin or that mineral. The brain is part of the human body, and there is no reason why a nutritional deficiency should not also cause problems with the way that the brain works.

Vitamins and minerals are essential chemicals that take part in the biochemical reactions of the body that are responsible for the synthesis of complex enzymes that allow such functions as digestion, metabolism of food into energy and the proper functioning of brain cells and the neurotransmitters responsible for passing messages from the brain throughout the body.
These messages are passed through a massive network of electrical connections and nerve cells. If anything goes wrong with this system then the mental functioning of what is known as the mind can be disrupted due to faults in these electrical connections and signals within the brain. People have no conscious control over these connections, and when depressed cannot just 'shake out of it'. Their problems are as medically genuine as those with any other disorder, and due to an imbalance in the chemistry of the body.

It is important to understand the effect of specific deficiencies on the brain and the mind, that can cause extreme sadness and helplessness in what is commonly termed depression. Mental health is frequently regarded as being connected with the condition of the mind as opposed to the brain as an organ. Naturally, any deficiency that interferes with the chemical processes necessary for the correct operation of the brain as a physical entity will interfere with human consciousness or psyche that is an abstract manifestation of the way the brain works.

Vitamins known and accepted as affecting mental processes include the B vitamins, of which even slight deficiencies can have an adverse effect on mental health. Significant deficiencies can be related to serious mental illnesses such as severe depression. Each one of the B vitamins is known to have a specific effect.

Thiamine (Vitamin B1) deficiency can lead to depression, anxiety, fearfulness and irritability. The B vitamins are used to create specific enzymes needed for some of the functions in the brain, and it is a lack of these enzymes that ultimately leads to psychiatric disorders. Studies have determined a thiamine deficiency in a large proportion of psychiatric patients. Alcoholics and patients suffering from malnutrition have also been found to suffer from psychiatric disorders, and both of these conditions can lead to a deficiency in thiamine.

Riboflavin, too, has been studied in relation to psychosis. A few studies have indicated a deficiency of riboflavin, vitamin B2, to be associated with increased levels of depression and hysteria. Riboflavin, like thiamine, is essential for the formation and proper use of brain enzymes. The other B vitamins are also known to be essential in the biochemistry of the brain, and depression is a common result of a vitamin B12 deficiency. Other symptoms include psychosis, memory defects and a slowing of the mental processes in general.

In all of these cases, a vitamin B complex supplement appears to have fairly rapid positive results, especially in the treatment of depression. Whether the more severe conditions are helped or not is uncertain since vitamin treatment has rarely been a significant part of the treatment of severe cases of psychosis. It is difficult to see how it could do harm, though while it makes sense for any deficiency to be treated with a corresponding supplement, the damage is generally caused by the presence, or lack of, a chemical farther down the biochemical pathway.

It is well known and accepted that depression is a symptom of insufficient vitamin C intake. Vitamin C is a powerful antioxidant, and is also needed for the production of serotonin. Produced by the pineal gland deep in the brain, serotonin is a neurotransmitter responsible for mood and depression, and sometimes called the 'molecule of happiness'. A lack of serotonin leads to depression.

It is not only vitamins that are essential for good mental health, however. Mineral deficiencies also feature in some mental problems, particularly magnesium and zinc. Take zinc first: this mineral is responsible for a large number of enzyme syntheses in the body, and influences nerve impulse transmissions and also the activity of the thyroid gland. A deficiency will give several symptoms including depression and bevioural problems.

Magnesium takes part in hundreds of biochemical reactions, and a deficiency can be caused by stress since stress increases the demand for magnesium. The deficiency then affects the ability of the heart to react to the stress, and it becomes a vicious circle. The magnesium deficiency manifests in the form of personality changes, depression, irritability and anxiety.

These are known effects and many studies have been carries out to confirm that knowledge. Many more vitamins and minerals, such as folic acid, manganese, iron and potassium, are known to be necessary components of the human biochemical pathways that lead ultimately to chemicals essential for the proper functioning of the brain as an organism, and deficiencies of which can affect the mind. Mild depressions have been significantly reduced by use of the appropriate supplements but should not be regarded as a cure.

Since these known deficiencies cause known psychiatric defects, particularly depression and anxiety, it is only sensible to assume that intelligent and appropriate supplementation should help to avoid them, if not cure them. Some deficiencies are due to alcoholism and malnutrition. In alcoholism, the B vitamins are rapidly depleted in the body by the alcohol, even though there is no deficiency in the diet. Malnutrition speaks for itself, and while supplements can have a dramatic effect in that case, alcoholics must be cured for the effects of vitamin supplements to take real effect.

Vitamin and mineral supplements can be used to avoid many of the mental problems that a deficiency can cause. Of these, the various members of the vitamin B complex is that which is indicated most, and also zinc and magnesium supplementation are amongst the essential minerals required.

The treatment of minor disorders with supplements has had a degree of success but it is doubtful if any significant advantages can be gained by using them for severe symptoms. The more traditional methods have been found to be more effective, though some herbal supplements such as St. John's Wort might have some beneficial effects. These remedies, however, cannot be regarded as cures for depression or any other psychiatric disorder. The connection between mental health and supplements can be used towards finding a cure for many mental conditions.

- By Darrell Miller - 2007-08-20
Disabled World.

And last but not least, a word from Dr. Mehmet Oz.

When Love Isn't Enough.

2009-07-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

Looking for love? Society and culture tell us that love cures all and that to be truly happy, we need to find the one who "completes us." Look at Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, or Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks (who's apparently no longer "Sleepless in Seattle"). And once we find love, we marry and then it’s bliss. Right?

Well, researchers from the Australian National University report that love isn’t what will make us live "happily ever after." The study, "What’s Love Got to Do with It," followed 2,500 couples (married or living together) for six years to see which couples stayed together and why.

Here's a rundown of factors that played a significant role in whether those marriages lasted or failed:
1. Blending families—20 percent of marriages with kids from prior relationships end in divorce.
2. Second/third marriages—90 percent of these couples are likely to separate or divorce.
3. Age—If a man is under 25 when he marries or if he’s nine or more years older than his wife, he’s twice as likely to get a divorce than a man who is older than 25 or closer in age to his wife.
4. Desire to have children—If the women has a much stronger desire to have kids than her spouse, the marriage is not likely to succeed.
5. Relationship status of parents—If couples come from separated or divorced parents, 17 percent were headed toward the same result, as compared to 10 percent who come from stable homes.
6. Smoking—Relationships in which only one person smokes is also a factor toward failure.
7. Money—The root of all evil? Well not exactly, but 16 percent of self-reported "poor" relationships in which the man was unemployed ended in separation or divorce. Only 9 percent of couples who had a healthy bank account went south.

Is there anything that won't send us to divorce court? The study identified these as non-issues in the success or failure rates of those studied:
- How many kids a couple has
- Whether or not the wife is employed
- Number of years the couple is employed

Another study, published in the journal Motivation and Emotion, revealed that photos of your spouse in his or her high school yearbook can tell you a lot about whether your marriage will survive. The study ranked the intensity of a person’s smile in the photos and then compared those scores to marriage success. Those with strong smiles (in the top 10 percent) had not divorced. For those in the bottom 20 percent of smilers, 25 percent had divorced. While this seems a bit far-fetched to me, psychologists claim that those with a generally happy disposition had better success rates in marriage. (I guess it's too bad for those folks who may have been dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend or missed the bus on photo day.)

In the examination of marriage and relationships, other studies have suggested that we may be predestined to fail or succeed. For example, researchers from the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm reported on the ‘bonding gene’—a gene modulating the hormone vasopressin, which was strongly tied to how well men fare in marriage. The study suggests that if a man has more vasopressin in the brain, the more likely he'll want to stick with his partner.

While a lot of these factors contributing to success or failure seem like common sense, many of us still ignore the obvious hurdles (kids, prior divorces, age differences) and follow the strong scent of love instead. The so-called love hormone factors in, bringing a whole system of pleasure into play, and we forgo logic and reason for romantic love.

The reasons we are drawn to another person are sometimes curious. Factor in the realities of life and the journey involved in a relationship, and the reasons we stay together are even more mysterious and complicated.

- Source: MSN Health & Fitness

Father-Daughter Relationships

2009-06-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

I feel that the childhood relationships you had with the parent of the opposite sex has had the most influence on the adult you. How you feel about yourself as a woman goes back to how your Daddy treated his Little Girl.

Did he listen to what you had to say?
Did he respect your opinions and welcome your contributions to the conversation?
Did he ever ask you for input regarding family issues?
Did he treat women in general like second-class citizens?
Did he respect your mother and show her affection?
Was your mother his equal partner?
Did he participate in family functions or did his work come first?
Was he active in your school activities, or was he an absentee father?
Did he keep his promises, or did you often wait by the window for him after the last guest left your party and the ice cream had melted?
Was he aggressive or abusive to you or your mother?

Look at the relationships that you have had with other men. Do you gravitate to men like your father? Are they usually kind and loving men, or are they uncaring or abusive? Daughters need to know that the first man in their life loved them unconditionally, as every man in her life thereafter will be patterned after her first love --- good, bad, or indifferent.

I hope that you were fortunate enough to have a father who enriched your life. If he made you feel like his beautiful princess and also valued you as an intelligent and independent individual, then I'm fairly certain that your relationships with the men in your life have been positive experiences. If, on the other hand, you lived with a father who discounted you and made you feel miserable, or you had an absentee father who was not a part of your life, then it's likely that you have picked the same kind of men as an adult. One would think that living with an alcoholic, abusive, or inattentive, emotionally unavailable father would make you more aware and thus more cautious and selective. Unfortunately, this is the opposite of the established patterns. Surprisingly enough, you tend to choose the same man as your father, regardless of his positive or negative affect on your life.

The psychology behind this phenomenon is really quite interesting: being treated in an abusive way as a child diminishes your self-worth and thus your expectations of yourself and the way others should treat you. You forget that you deserve choices in your life, and tend to accept whatever circumstances befall you. Moreover, as most abusive, aggressive men prefer women they can easily dominate, your diminished self-image makes you a target for abuse. A vicious cycle of reduced self-worth and abusive relationships ensues because abusive treatment only enforces the poor self-esteem. Women will marry or live with an abusive man like 'Dear Old Dad ' or seek our a man whom they can never trust to be there for them. Incredibly, when they finally find the courage to leave him, more often than not they will become involved with another man just like him!

I have counseled many young women who, as adults, still wanted to have a father/daughter relationship with their absentee father and continued to try to reconnect with a man who had left little more than tire tracks on the paths of their lives. One woman actually wanted her father to walk her down the aisle, and she was afraid to ask him. She was afraid that he would say no, or even worse that he would say yes, and not show up. Like daughters of alcoholic and abusive fathers, they still cling to the possibility of a normal relationship, but continue to seek out the same type of man.

Breaking the pattern is essential if you are ever to enjoy a healthy relationship with the opposite sex.

First you must acknowledge that you have the problem. Work on building your self-esteem and give up the role of victim. Now you must identify the traits that are predominant in the men that you choose.

Is the individual power hungry?
Does he need to be in control at all times?
Does he have an inflated ego?
Does he make promises only to break them?
Is he jealous?
Is he possessive? Is he aware of your needs?
Does he discount your opinions?
Does he want to change your hair, clothes, personality, etc.?
Does he need to be right most of the time?
Is he there for his family and friends when they need him?
Does he embarrass you in public or does he ignore you?
Does he discount your feelings?
Has he ever abused you --- psychologically, verbally, or physically?
Is he quick to say, "You made me do that," or "It won't happen again?"
Do you trust him with your heart?

Any of these can be red flags, and now you may be aware of others. If you love this individual and you both want to work on the relationship, I suggest couple's counseling. With a clear perspective and information from an impartial therapist, you may decide that you are willing to overlook some of his negative behavior. If you are certain that you cannot live with the imperfections of this individual --- even if some of the traits are seemingly benign ---- do not count on changing them after you have made a final commitment. Ask that 'little girl' inside of you," Did my Father change?" Find an opposite type and give him a chance. You will finally be on your way to establishing new patterns of behavior.

I'm Here For You,
by Dr. Beverly Block

Unsung Heroes

2009-06-19T12:41:00.001-07:00

By MEERA DEVI DARAN
Today’s dads are no longer removed from their children’s upbringing – they actually seek happiness in fatherhood.

Are fathers, through no fault of their own, sometimes made to feel inferior next to mothers? The notion that mothers are natural caregivers, to the extent of being biologically-engineered for it, continues to prevail much to the chagrin of fathers.

Certainly the ability to give birth (and lactate!) is an unparalleled feat, but when fathers are demoted as secondary parents due to biological shortcomings, you have to wonder if all the flak they receive is justified.

Admittedly, from the time a baby is born, fathers are relegated to the sidelines, where they can only watch and fret. It is this paternal detachment, which supposedly continues throughout the developmental process of children, that is frequently used against fathers to question the degree of their involvement in families.

Dr Goh Chee Leong

These are not random rumblings of discontent either; in fact, early psychology theorists like Sigmund Freud and John Bowlby laid much of the groundwork for the dad-bashing that we have now become accustomed to.

In the United States, Father’s Day has increasingly become a no-holds-barred assault on fathers, with talk of the deadbeat dad – he who abandons his family and shirks all responsibility – dominating the headlines.

With so much resentment and negativity surrounding the issue, harsh remarks have been made about fathers and the role they play; last year, a prominent US magazine went so far as to ask if fathers, as a collective, have done enough to deserve a Father’s Day at all.

Ironically enough, Mother’s Day is often celebrated in less punishing terms, with past sins and wrongdoings more readily set aside. At the end of the day, mums emerge unscathed as saint-like creatures that can do no wrong.

“While mothers are often seen as nurturers who play a pivotal role in the healthy development of their children, the role of fathers is often reduced to mere breadwinner,” said Lee Wee Min, executive director of Focus on the Family Malaysia, with noticeable regret.

“In certain cultures, fathers are seldom encouraged to spend time with their children and are often perceived as cold disciplinarians,” he says.

Nevertheless, the decline of a classically patriarchal system, as well as emerging gender benders have contributed to a changed landscape for fatherhood over the years.

Where once a father was looked upon as the authoritative head of the family who had responsibilities and obligations to fulfil, the modern-day dad is far more approachable and involved in the lives of his children; he seeks actual happiness in fatherhood.

Counselling psychologist Johana Johari, who runs her own private practice in Kuala Lumpur, is firm in her beliefs about paternal involvement in Malaysian families.

“Our traditional definitions of how fathers should behave have certainly changed; we are increasingly exposed and educated as parents now. But our parenting styles must adapt to new belief systems so that we can break the vicious cycle of fathers doing unto their children what their fathers did unto them.”

Johana Johari

The 43-year-old principal of MY Confidential, a nationwide network of private counsellors in Malaysia, spoke at length about the roles of fathers that are often discounted. “Fathers are instrumental role models for their children, especially sons, who need a male adult to emulate. A daughter, on the other hand, learns how to communicate and establish healthy relationships with men as a result of the interactions with her father,” she explains.

“Fathers can do many things for their children that mothers cannot, and vice versa. Both parents are definitely essential in complementing each other.”

Director of HELP University College’s Centre for Psychology Dr Goh Chee Leong echoed her sentiments. “There is enough research in developmental psychology to suggest that fathers contribute significantly to the emotional wellbeing of a child and the development of their character, their ambitions, their sense of morals and their perception of responsibility,” he says.

“The bottom line is this: for a child to develop in a balanced and healthy manner, they need a home environment that is secure, happy, stimulating and loving. Fathers have an equal responsibility in shaping this environment. With more practice, there is no reason to believe that fathers have a lower capacity for love, care and nurturing,” he explains.

Even science has come to the defence of fathers recently; a study on the effects of hormonal changes during newfound fatherhood by Psychology Today, a respected US journal on clinical psychology, has shown that men may be a lot more similar to women after all, as fathers were found to have high levels of prolactin (a hormone associated with lactating mothers) towards the end of a partner’s pregnancy.

In a redefined understanding of masculinity and fatherhood, it was also established that fathers experience testosterone reduction and elevated levels of estrogen 30 days before birth, a condition that continues to last up to 12 weeks. The study offers pioneering evidence that to nurture is part of man’s nature after all.

So all is fine and well then?

Not quite, the roles of fathers in separated families or in the aftermath of a divorce are still sketchy at best.

US statistics claiming that more than half of divorced fathers lose contact with their kids within a few years are alarming, but Johana is quick to point out that in her line of work, parents usually make an effort to maintain normalcy and lessen the impact of divorce on their children.

“From my observations, it is the mother that usually plays an important role in determining the father’s involvement after divorce; but the bond cannot be completely erased regardless of whether the split is an amicable one or not. You can be an ex-husband, but never an ex-father,” she says succinctly.

Considering that there is a prevalent bias in society for maternal custody of children after divorce, Johana argues that credit should be given where credit is due. “I have worked with many single fathers who continue to fight for custody of their children without remarrying, but you don’t hear about these stories very often,” she says.

We may not have an existing movement to champion fathers’ rights in Malaysia, such as that of the controversial superhero protesters known as Fathers 4 Justice in Britain, but lest we forget, all fathers will be regarded as heroes in their own right this Father’s Day.

Dr Goh offers one last piece of advice: “What is important is that we focus on the kind of fathers we know we should be, rather than the type of fathers society thinks we are.”

Tuesday June 10, 2008

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

2009-05-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

Definition
Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) is a complicated disorder characterized by extreme fatigue that doesn't improve with bed rest and may worsen with physical or mental activity.

Chronic fatigue syndrome may occur after an infection, such as a cold or viral illness. The onset can be during or shortly after a time of great stress, or chronic fatigue syndrome come on gradually without a clear starting point or obvious cause.

Women are diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome far more often than men are. However, it's unclear whether chronic fatigue syndrome affects women more frequently or if women report it more often than men do.

Treatment for chronic fatigue syndrome focuses on a combination of approaches to relieve signs and symptoms.

Symptoms
Chronic fatigue syndrome is a flu-like condition that can drain your energy and, sometimes, last for years. People previously healthy and full of energy may experience a variety of signs and symptoms.

People with chronic fatigue syndrome exhibit signs and symptoms similar to those of most common viral infections. Unlike flu (influenza) symptoms, which usually subside in a few days or weeks, the signs and symptoms of CFS can last much longer. They may come and go frequently with no identifiable pattern.

Primary signs and symptoms
In addition to persistent fatigue, not caused by other known medical conditions, chronic fatigue syndrome has eight possible primary signs and symptoms. Chronic fatigue syndrome symptoms include:

Loss of memory or concentration
Sore throat
Painful and mildly enlarged lymph nodes in your neck or armpits
Unexplained muscle soreness
Pain that moves from one joint to another without swelling or redness
Headache of a new type, pattern or severity
Sleep disturbance
Extreme exhaustion lasting more than 24 hours after physical or mental exercise

According to the International Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Study Group — a group of scientists, researchers and doctors brought together by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to determine a standard method for defining and diagnosing chronic fatigue syndrome — a person meets the diagnostic criteria of chronic fatigue syndrome when unexplained persistent fatigue occurs for six months or more along with at least four of the eight primary signs and symptoms.

Additional signs and symptoms
In addition, people with chronic fatigue syndrome have reported other various signs and symptoms that aren't part of the official definition. These include:

Abdominal pain
Allergies or sensitivities to foods, alcohol, odors, chemicals, medications or noise
Bloating
Chest pain
Chronic cough
Diarrhea
Dizziness, balance problems or fainting
Dry mouth
Earache
Irregular heartbeat
Jaw pain
Morning stiffness
Nausea
Chills and night sweats
Psychological problems, such as depression, irritability, anxiety disorders and panic attacks
Shortness of breath
Tingling sensations
Visual disturbances, such as blurring, sensitivity to light, eye pain and dry eyes
Weight loss or gain

If you have chronic fatigue syndrome, your symptoms may peak and become stable early on, and then come and go over time. Some people go on to recover completely, while others grow progressively worse.

Causes
Of all chronic illnesses, chronic fatigue syndrome is one of the most mysterious. Unlike definite infections, it has no clear cause. Several possible causes have been proposed, including:

Depression
Iron deficiency anemia
Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia)
History of allergies
Virus infection, such as Epstein-Barr virus or human herpesvirus 6
Dysfunction in the immune system
Changes in the levels of hormones produced in the hypothalamus, pituitary glands or adrenal glands
Mild, chronic low blood pressure (hypotension)

The cause of chronic fatigue syndrome may be an inflammation of the pathways of the nervous system as a response to an autoimmune process, but with nothing measurable in the blood as in other autoimmune diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. Chronic fatigue syndrome may also occur when a viral illness is complicated by a dysfunctional immune system. Some people with CFS may have a low blood pressure disorder that triggers the fainting reflex.

In many cases, however, no serious underlying infection or disease is proved to specifically cause chronic fatigue syndrome. Lack of medical knowledge and understanding of CFS has made determining and describing the characteristics of the condition difficult.

Risk factors
Women are diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome two to four times as often as men, but sex isn't a proven risk factor for this condition. It may be that women are simply more likely than men are to report their symptoms to their doctor.

The condition is most common in people in their 40s and 50s, but it can affect people of all ages.

Because the cause of the condition is unknown, doctors have yet to determine and confirm definite risk factors for the disease.

When to seek medical advice
Fatigue can be a symptom of many illnesses, such as infections or psychological disorders. In general, see your doctor if you have persistent or excessive fatigue. Severe fatigue that prevents you from fully participating in activities at home, work or school may be a symptom of an underlying medical problem.

Tests and diagnosis
A diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome is based on exclusion. This means that before arriving at a diagnosis, a doctor has ruled out any other disease or condition that may be causing your fatigue and related symptoms.

In general, doctors find it difficult to diagnose chronic fatigue syndrome because it has some of the same signs and symptoms as many other diseases. There's no diagnostic or laboratory procedure to confirm the presence of chronic fatigue syndrome.

Doctors exclude certain conditions before considering a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome. These include:

Having an active, identifiable medical condition that often results in fatigue, such as low levels of thyroid hormones (hypothyroidism) or sleep apnea
Using medicines that may cause fatigue
Having a relapse of a previously treated illness that can result in fatigue, such as cancer
Having had a past or current diagnosis of a major depressive disorder or other psychiatric illness, such as schizophrenia or an eating disorder
Abusing alcohol or another substance
Being severely obese, as defined by a body mass index (BMI) of 45 or greater

Over time, be alert to any new cues that might indicate that the problem is caused by something other than chronic fatigue syndrome. When other diseases or conditions are excluded, your doctor may then determine if your illness meets the CFS-specific criteria.

Complications
Possible complications of chronic fatigue syndrome include:

Depression, related both to symptoms and lack of diagnosis
Side effects and adverse reactions related to medication treatments
Side effects and adverse reactions associated with lack of activity (deconditioning)
Social isolation caused by fatigue
Lifestyle restrictions
Missing work

Treatments and drugs
There's no specific chronic fatigue syndrome treatment. In general, doctors aim to relieve signs and symptoms by using a combination of treatments, which may include:

Moderating daily activity.
Your doctor may encourage you to slow down and to avoid excessive physical and psychological stress. However, too much rest can make you weaker, worsening your long-term symptoms. Your goal should be to maintain a moderate level of daily activity and gently increase your stamina over time.

Gradual but steady exercise.
Often with the help of a physical therapist, you may be advised to begin an exercise program that slowly becomes more challenging. Research has proved that gradually increasing exercise can improve the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome. In one study, 70 percent of participants with CFS reported feeling better after completing a supervised program of graduated exercise.

Cognitive behavior therapy.
This treatment, often used in combination with graduated exercise, also has been found to improve the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome. In cognitive behavior therapy, you work with a mental health professional to identify negative beliefs and behaviors that might be delaying your recovery and replace them with healthy, positive ones.

Treatment of depression.
If you're depressed, medications, such as tricyclic antidepressants and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), may help. Antidepressants may also help improve sleep and relieve pain. Tricyclic antidepressants include amitriptyline (Limbitrol, a multi-ingredient drug that contains amitriptyline), desipramine (Norpramin) and nortriptyline (Aventyl, Pamelor). SSRIs include fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem), paroxetine (Paxil), sertraline (Zoloft) and bupropion (Wellbutrin).

Treatment of existing pain.
Acetaminophen (Tylenol, others) and nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), such as aspirin and ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others), may be helpful to reduce pain and fever.

Treatment of allergy-like symptoms.
Antihistamines, such as fexofenadine (Allegra) and cetirizine (Zyrtec), and decongestants that contain pseudoephedrine (Sudafed) may relieve allergy-like symptoms such as runny nose.

Treatment of low blood pressure (hypotension).
The drugs fludrocortisone (Florinef), atenolol (Tenormin) and midodrine (ProAmatine, Orvaten) may be useful for certain people with chronic fatigue syndrome.

Treatment for problems of the nervous system.
Symptoms such as dizziness and extreme skin tenderness can sometimes be relieved by clonazepam (Klonopin). Your doctor may prescribe medications such as lorazepam (Ativan) and alprazolam (Xanax) to relieve symptoms of anxiety.

Experimental therapies
Research aimed at finding new treatments for chronic fatigue syndrome has included studies of the following medications:

Methylphenidate (Ritalin, Concerta).
This psychostimulant appears to boost and balance levels of the brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. It's commonly used to treat attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). One study found that methylphenidate improved fatigue and concentration in some people with chronic fatigue syndrome.

D-ribose.
Also called ribose, this form of sugar is an essential energy source for your cells. Scientists believe that impaired cellular metabolism — some kind of disorder in the way your cells do their work — may play a role in chronic fatigue syndrome. Some research has found that natural D-ribose supplements may significantly improve the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome, with particular benefit in study participants' energy level and overall well-being.

Acupuncture.
Acupuncture has been studied as a treatment for the symptoms of fibromyalgia, a disease that is considered similar to CFS and is also characterized by fatigue and muscle soreness. In one clinical trial, half the participants received acupuncture, while the other half received a placebo treatment. Those treated with acupuncture experienced a significant improvement in their symptoms — especially fatigue and anxiety — compared with the nonacupuncture group.

Corticosteroids.
Some studies have found that oral hydrocortisone may improve symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome, while other studies have found no benefit.

Immune globulins and interferons.
These medications are used to boost your immune system's ability to fight infection. Studies have not found them to be consistently effective in treating chronic fatigue syndrome, and participants have experienced severe side effects.

Antiviral drugs, such as acyclovir.
The possible connection between chronic fatigue syndrome and Epstein-Barr virus led researchers to test whether powerful antiviral medications could improve the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome. This approach has not been found effective, and the connection between Epstein-Barr virus and chronic fatigue syndrome has since been disproved.

Cholinesterase (ko-lin-ES-tur-ase) inhibitors, such as galantamine.
These drugs improve the effectiveness of acetylcholine, a chemical messenger that is believed to be important for memory, thought and judgment. Galantamine is used in the treatment of Alzheimer's disease, but has not been found beneficial for chronic fatigue syndrome.

Prevention
Because the cause of chronic fatigue syndrome remains unknown, there's no known way to prevent the illness from occurring. Be aware of the symptoms and signs of chronic fatigue syndrome and seek the help of your doctor to manage them if they occur.

Lifestyle and home remedies
Learning how to manage fatigue can help you improve your level of functioning and your quality of life despite your symptoms. You may work with a rehabilitation medicine specialist who can teach you how to plan activities to take advantage of times when you usually feel better.

These important self-care steps can help you to maintain good general health:

Reduce stress.
Develop a plan to avoid or limit overexertion and emotional stress. Allow yourself time each day to relax. That may mean learning how to say no without guilt. If possible, don't change your routine totally. People who quit work or drop all activity tend to do worse than those who remain active.

Get enough sleep.
Getting sufficient sleep is essential. In addition to allotting enough time for sleep, practice good sleep habits, such as going to bed and getting up at the same time each day and limiting daytime napping.

Exercise regularly.
You may need to start slow and build up gradually. But exercising regularly often improves symptoms. Many people find exercises such as walking, swimming, biking and water aerobics to be helpful. A physical therapist may help you develop a home-exercise program. Stretching, good posture and relaxation exercises also can be helpful.

Pace yourself.
Keep your activity on an even level. If you do too much on your good days, you may have more bad days.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Try to eat a balanced diet, drink plenty of fluids, limit your caffeine intake, stop smoking, get adequate rest and exercise regularly. Find a hobby or career that's enjoyable and fulfilling for you.

Coping and support
The experience of chronic fatigue syndrome varies from person to person. For many people, however, the symptoms are more bothersome early in the course of the illness and then gradually decrease. Some people recover completely with time. Emotional support and counseling may help you and your loved ones deal with the uncertainties and restrictions of chronic fatigue syndrome.

You may find it therapeutic to join a support group and meet other people with chronic fatigue syndrome. Support groups aren't for everyone, and you may find that a support group adds to your stress rather than relieves it. Experiment and use your own judgment to determine what's best for you.

Alternative medicine
Some makers of various dietary supplements and herbal remedies claim these substances have potential benefits for people with chronic fatigue syndrome, but the effectiveness of these substances for treating the condition hasn't been proved in controlled studies. Though a product may be of "natural" origin, that doesn't ensure its safety. Dietary supplements and herbal preparations can have potentially harmful side effects and may dangerously interfere or interact with prescription medications.

Some complementary therapies can benefit people with chronic fatigue syndrome by reducing anxiety and promoting a sense of well-being. These include deep-breathing and muscle-relaxation techniques, massage and healing touch, and movement therapies such as stretching, yoga and tai chi.

Talk to your doctor before using any unprescribed remedy or new complementary therapy.

Source: MayoClinic.com

Grieving

2009-01-31T10:59:00.000-08:00

Background
For many years, people with terminal illnesses were an embarrassment for doctors. Someone who could not be cured was evidence of the doctors' fallibility, and as a result the doctors regularly shunned the dying with the excuse that there was nothing more that could be done (and that there was plenty of other demand on the doctors' time).
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross was a doctor in Switzerland who railed against this unkindness and spent a lot of time with dying people, both comforting and studying them. She wrote a book, called 'On Death and Dying' which included a cycle of emotional states that is often referred to (but not exclusively called) the Grief Cycle.
In the ensuing years, it was noticed that this emotional cycle was not exclusive just to the terminally ill, but also other people who were affected by bad news, such as losing their jobs or otherwise being negatively affected by change. The important factor is not that the change is good or bad, but that they perceive it as a significantly negative event.

The Grief Cycle
The Grief Cycle can be shown as in the chart below, indicating the roller-coaster ride of activity and passivity as the person wriggles and turns in their desperate efforts to avoid the change.

The initial state before the cycle is received is stable, at least in terms of the subsequent reaction on hearing the bad news. Compared with the ups and downs to come, even if there is some variation, this is indeed a stable state.
And then, into the calm of this relative paradise, a bombshell bursts...

Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

Sticking and cycling
Getting stuck
A common problem with the above cycle is that people get stuck in one phase. Thus a person may become stuck in denial, never moving on from the position of not accepting the inevitable future. When it happens, they still keep on denying it, such as the person who has lost their job still going into the city only to sit on a park bench all day.

Getting stuck in denial is common in 'cool' cultures (such as in Britain, particularly Southern England) where expressing anger is not acceptable. The person may feel that anger, but may then repress it, bottling it up inside.

Likewise, a person may be stuck in permanent anger (which is itself a form of flight from reality) or repeated bargaining. It is more difficult to get stuck in active states than in passivity, and getting stuck in depression is perhaps a more common ailment.

Going in cycles
Another trap is that when a person moves on to the next phase, they have not completed an earlier phase and so move backwards in cyclic loops that repeat previous emotion and actions. Thus, for example, a person that finds bargaining not to be working, may go back into anger or denial.

Cycling is itself a form of avoidance of the inevitable, and going backwards in time may seem to be a way of extending the time before the perceived bad thing happens.

Source:

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying, Macmillan, NY, 1969.

Stress - The No.1 Killer

2008-11-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

Description of Stress

Without stress, life would be dull and unexciting. Stress adds flavor, challenge and opportunity to life. Too much stress, however, can seriously affect your physical and mental well-being. A major challenge in today's stress-filled world is to make the stress in your life work for you instead of against you.
During a stressful situation, the brain signals the release of stress hormones. These chemical substances trigger a series of responses that gives the body extra energy: blood-sugar levels rise, the heartbeat speeds up and blood pressure increases. The muscles tense for action. The blood supply is diverted away from the gut to the extremities to help the body deal with the situation at hand.

Stress is with us all the time. It comes from mental or emotional activity, as well as physical activity. It is unique and personal to each of us. So personal, in fact, that what may be relaxing to one person may be stressful to another. For example, if you are an executive who likes to keep busy all the time, "taking it easy" at the beach on a beautiful day may feel extremely frustrating, nonproductive and upsetting. You may be emotionally distressed from "doing nothing."

Too much emotional stress can cause physical illness, such as high blood pressure, ulcers or even heart disease. Physical stress from work or exercise is not likely to cause such ailments.

The important issue is learning how our bodies respond to these demands. When stress becomes prolonged or particularly frustrating, it can become harmful - causing distress or "bad stress." Recognizing the early signs of distress and then doing something about them can make an important difference in the quality of your life and may actually influence your survival.

Stress and Disease

Because the stress response couples physiological and emotional responses, it seems probable that stress can translate frustration into physical illness, but the precise mechanisms by which this occurs are not known. In some situations, as with tension headaches or upset stomachs, the connections appear fairly clear. On the other hand, both headaches and bellyaches can occur with no emotional provocation whatsoever.

The chain of causation is even less clear when it comes to more chronic and serious conditions, such as heart disease, hypertension, diabetes and cancer. The list of diseases linked to stress is almost endless, and includes asthma, allergies, rheumatoid arthritis, ulcers, ulcerative colitis and migraine headaches, among many others.

An important distinction that needs to be made. Any of these chronic illnesses can be made harder to bear by a stress-laden situation or an emotionally inadequate response on the part of the patient. On the other hand, it is no longer possible to credit older theories that specific emotional experiences or reactions actually cause these various diseases. On the whole, it seems most likely that stress plays a non-specific role in disease by throwing off the body's natural ability to heal itself.

Self Care

When stress occurs, it is important to recognize and deal with it. Here are some suggestions for ways to handle stress. As you begin to understand more about how stress affects you as an individual, you will come up with your own ideas on how to ease the tension.

Try physical activity. When you are nervous, angry or upset, release the pressure through exercise or physical activity. Running, walking, playing tennis or working in your garden, are just some of the activities you might try. Physical exercise will relieve that "up tight" feeling, relax you, and turn the frowns into smiles. Remember, your body and your mind work together.

Share your stress. It helps to talk to someone about your concerns and worries. Perhaps a friend, family member, teacher or counselor, can help you see your problem in a different light. If you feel your problem is serious, you might seek professional help from a psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker. Knowing when to ask for help may help to avoid more serious problems later.

Know your limits. If a problem is beyond your control and cannot be changed at the moment, don't fight the situation. Learn to accept what is for now, until such time when you can change it.

Take care of yourself. You are special. Get enough rest and eat well. If you are irritable and tense from lack of sleep, or if you are not eating correctly, you will have less ability to deal with stressful situations. If stress repeatedly keeps you from sleeping, you should ask your doctor for help.

Make time for fun. Schedule time for both work and recreation. Play can be just as important to your well-being as work; you need a break from your daily routine to just relax and have fun.

Be a participant. One way to keep from getting bored, sad, and lonely is to go where it's all happening. Sitting alone can make you feel frustrated. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, get involved. Offer your services to a neighborhood or volunteer organizations. Help yourself by helping other people. Get involved in the world and the people around you, and you will find they will be attracted to you. You're on your way to making new friends and enjoying new activities.

Check off your tasks. Trying to take care of everything at once can seem overwhelming, and as a result, you may not accomplish anything. Instead, make a list of what tasks you have to do and do them one at a time, checking them off as they're completed. Give priority to the most important ones and do those first.

Must you always be right? Do other people upset you - particularly when they don't do things your way? Try cooperation instead of confrontation; it's better than fighting and always being "right." A little give and take on both sides will reduce the strain and make you both feel more comfortable.

It's OK to cry. A good cry can be a healthy way to bring relief to your anxiety, and it might even prevent a headache or other physical consequence. Take some deep breaths; they also release tension.

Create a quiet scene. You can't always get away, but you can "dream the impossible dream." A quiet country scene, painted mentally or on canvas, can take you out of the turmoil of a stressful situation. Change the scene by reading a good book or playing beautiful music to create a sense of peace and tranquillity.

Avoid self-medication. Although you can use drugs to relieve stress temporarily, drugs do not remove the conditions that caused the stress in the first place. Drugs, in fact, may be habit-forming and create more stress than they relieve. They should be taken only on the advice of your doctor.

The best strategy for avoiding stress is to learn how to relax. Unfortunately, many people try to relax at the same pace that they lead the rest of their lives. For a while, tune out your worries about time, productivity, and "doing it right." You will find satisfaction in just being, without striving. Find activities that give you pleasure and that are good for your mental and physical well-being. Forget about always winning and focus on relaxation, enjoyment, and health. Be good to yourself.

Source: www.healthscout.com

Depression

2008-06-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

Depressive illnesses often interfere with normal functioning and cause pain and suffering not only to those who have a disorder, but also to those who care about them. Serious depression can destroy family life as well as the life of the ill person. But much of this suffering is unnecessary.

Most people with a depressive illness do not seek treatment, although the great majority even those whose depression is extremely severe can be helped. Thanks to years of fruitful research, there are now medications and psychosocial therapies such as cognitive/behavioral, "talk" or interpersonal that ease the pain of depression.

Unfortunately, many people do not recognize that depression is a treatable illness. If you feel that you or someone you care about is one of the many undiagnosed depressed people in this country, the information presented here may help you take the steps that may save your own or someone else's life.

WHAT IS A DEPRESSIVE DISORDER?

A depressive disorder is an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression.

TYPES OF DEPRESSION

Depressive disorders come in different forms, just as is the case with other illnesses such as heart disease. This pamphlet briefly describes three of the most common types of depressive disorders. However, within these types there are variations in the number of symptoms, their severity, and persistence.

Major depression is manifested by a combination of symptoms (see symptom list) that interfere with the ability to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy once pleasurable activities. Such a disabling episode of depression may occur only once but more commonly occurs several times in a lifetime.

A less severe type of depression, dysthymia, involves long-term, chronic symptoms that do not disable, but keep one from functioning well or from feeling good. Many people with dysthymia also experience major depressive episodes at some time in their lives.

Another type of depression is bipolar disorder, also called manic-depressive illness. Not nearly as prevalent as other forms of depressive disorders, bipolar disorder is characterized by cycling mood changes: severe highs (mania) and lows (depression). Sometimes the mood switches are dramatic and rapid, but most often they are gradual. When in the depressed cycle, an individual can have any or all of the symptoms of a depressive disorder. When in the manic cycle, the individual may be overactive, overtalkative, and have a great deal of energy. Mania often affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that cause serious problems and embarrassment. For example, the individual in a manic phase may feel elated, full of grand schemes that might range from unwise business decisions to romantic sprees. Mania, left untreated, may worsen to a psychotic state.

SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION AND MANIA

Not everyone who is depressed or manic experiences every symptom. Some people experience a few symptoms, some many. Severity of symptoms varies with individuals and also varies over time.

Depression
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
Mania
Abnormal or excessive elation
Unusual irritability
Decreased need for sleep
Grandiose notions
Increased talking
Racing thoughts
Increased sexual desire
Markedly increased energy
Poor judgment
Inappropriate social behavior

CAUSES OF DEPRESSION

Some types of depression run in families, suggesting that a biological vulnerability can be inherited. This seems to be the case with bipolar disorder. Studies of families in which members of each generation develop bipolar disorder found that those with the illness have a somewhat different genetic makeup than those who do not get ill. However, the reverse is not true: Not everybody with the genetic makeup that causes vulnerability to bipolar disorder will have the illness. Apparently additional factors, possibly stresses at home, work, or school, are involved in its onset.

In some families, major depression also seems to occur generation after generation. However, it can also occur in people who have no family history of depression. Whether inherited or not, major depressive disorder is often associated with changes in brain structures or brain function.

People who have low self-esteem, who consistently view themselves and the world with pessimism or who are readily overwhelmed by stress, are prone to depression. Whether this represents a psychological predisposition or an early form of the illness is not clear.

In recent years, researchers have shown that physical changes in the body can be accompanied by mental changes as well. Medical illnesses such as stroke, a heart attack, cancer, Parkinson's disease, and hormonal disorders can cause depressive illness, making the sick person apathetic and unwilling to care for his or her physical needs, thus prolonging the recovery period. Also, a serious loss, difficult relationship, financial problem, or any stressful (unwelcome or even desired) change in life patterns can trigger a depressive episode. Very often, a combination of genetic, psychological, and environmental factors is involved in the onset of a depressive disorder. Later episodes of illness typically are precipitated by only mild stresses, or none at all.

Depression in Women
Women experience depression about twice as often as men.1 Many hormonal factors may contribute to the increased rate of depression in women particularly such factors as menstrual cycle changes, pregnancy, miscarriage, postpartum period, pre-menopause, and menopause. Many women also face additional stresses such as responsibilities both at work and home, single parenthood, and caring for children and for aging parents.

A recent NIMH study showed that in the case of severe premenstrual syndrome (PMS), women with a preexisting vulnerability to PMS experienced relief from mood and physical symptoms when their sex hormones were suppressed. Shortly after the hormones were re-introduced, they again developed symptoms of PMS. Women without a history of PMS reported no effects of the hormonal manipulation.6,7

Many women are also particularly vulnerable after the birth of a baby. The hormonal and physical changes, as well as the added responsibility of a new life, can be factors that lead to postpartum depression in some women. While transient "blues" are common in new mothers, a full-blown depressive episode is not a normal occurrence and requires active intervention. Treatment by a sympathetic physician and the family's emotional support for the new mother are prime considerations in aiding her to recover her physical and mental well-being and her ability to care for and enjoy the infant.

Depression in Men
Although men are less likely to suffer from depression than women, 6 million men in the United States are affected by the illness. Men are less likely to admit to depression, and doctors are less likely to suspect it. The rate of suicide in men is four times that of women, though more women attempt it. In fact, after age 70, the rate of men's suicide rises, reaching a peak after age 85.

Depression can also affect the physical health in men differently from women. A new study shows that, although depression is associated with an increased risk of coronary heart disease in both men and women, only men suffer a high death rate.2

Men's depression is often masked by alcohol or drugs, or by the socially acceptable habit of working excessively long hours. Depression typically shows up in men not as feeling hopeless and helpless, but as being irritable, angry, and discouraged; hence, depression may be difficult to recognize as such in men. Even if a man realizes that he is depressed, he may be less willing than a woman to seek help. Encouragement and support from concerned family members can make a difference. In the workplace, employee assistance professionals or worksite mental health programs can be of assistance in helping men understand and accept depression as a real illness that needs treatment.

PSYCHOTHERAPIES
Many forms of psychotherapy, including some short-term (10-20 week) therapies, can help depressed individuals. "Talking" therapies help patients gain insight into and resolve their problems through verbal exchange with the therapist, sometimes combined with "homework" assignments between sessions. "Behavioral" therapists help patients learn how to obtain more satisfaction and rewards through their own actions and how to unlearn the behavioral patterns that contribute to or result from their depression.

Two of the short-term psychotherapies that research has shown helpful for some forms of depression are interpersonal and cognitive/behavioral therapies. Interpersonal therapists focus on the patient's disturbed personal relationships that both cause and exacerbate (or increase) the depression. Cognitive/behavioral therapists help patients change the negative styles of thinking and behaving often associated with depression.

Psychodynamic therapies, which are sometimes used to treat depressed persons, focus on resolving the patient's conflicted feelings. These therapies are often reserved until the depressive symptoms are significantly improved. In general, severe depressive illnesses, particularly those that are recurrent, will require medication (or ECT under special conditions) along with, or preceding, psychotherapy for the best outcome.

HOW TO HELP YOURSELF IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED

Depressive disorders make one feel exhausted, worthless, helpless, and hopeless. Such negative thoughts and feelings make some people feel like giving up. It is important to realize that these negative views are part of the depression and typically do not accurately reflect the actual circumstances. Negative thinking fades as treatment begins to take effect. In the meantime:

- Set realistic goals in light of the depression and assume a reasonable amount of responsibility.
- Break large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what you can as you can.
- Try to be with other people and to confide in someone; it is usually better than being alone and secretive.
- Participate in activities that may make you feel better.
- Mild exercise, going to a movie, a ballgame, or participating in religious, social, or other activities may help.
- Expect your mood to improve gradually, not immediately. Feeling better takes time.
- It is advisable to postpone important decisions until the depression has lifted. Before deciding to make a significant transition change jobs, get married or divorced discuss it with others who know you well and have a more objective view of your situation.
- People rarely "snap out of" a depression. But they can feel a little better day-by-day.
- Remember, positive thinking will replace the negative thinking that is part of the depression and will disappear as your depression responds to treatment.
- Let your family and friends help you.

How Family and Friends Can Help the Depressed Person
The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until symptoms begin to abate (several weeks), or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs. On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication. The depressed person should be encouraged to obey the doctor's orders about the use of alcoholic products while on medication. The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the depressed person's therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.

Source:
This brochure is a new version of the 1994 edition of Plain Talk About Depression and was written by Margaret Strock, Public Information and Communications Branch, National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Expert assistance was provided by Raymond DePaulo, MD, Johns Hopkins School of Medicine; Ellen Frank, MD, University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine; Jerrold F. Rosenbaum, MD, Massachusetts General Hospital; Matthew V. Rudorfer, MD, and Clarissa K. Wittenberg, NIMH staff members. Lisa D. Alberts, NIMH staff member, provided editorial assistance.

NIH Publication No. 00-3561
Printed 2000

Fritz Perls - Gestalt Therapy

2008-03-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

Albert Ellis

2008-02-19T12:34:00.001-08:00

Carl Rogers

2008-02-19T12:30:00.000-08:00

Dr.William Glasser on Choice Theory

2008-02-19T12:16:00.000-08:00

You Can Never Change Your Spouse

2008-02-19T11:40:00.000-08:00

William Glasser's Choice Theory

2008-02-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2008-02-13T00:22:00.000-08:00

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a pathological anxiety that usually occurs after an individual experiences or witnesses severe trauma that constitutes a threat to the physical integrity or life of the individual or of another person.

The individual initially responds with intense fear, helplessness, or horror. The person later develops a response to the event that is characterized by persistently reexperiencing the event, with resultant symptoms of numbness, avoidance, and hyperarousal. These symptoms result in clinically significant distress or functional impairment. To meet the full criteria for PTSD, these symptoms should be present for a minimum of 1 month following the initial traumatic event.

The events experienced may be natural disasters, violent personal assaults, war, severe automobile accidents, or the diagnosis of a life-threatening condition. For children, a developmentally inappropriate sexual experience may be considered a traumatic event, even though it may not have actually involved violence or physical injury.

PTSD can also be caused by experiencing, witnessing, or being confronted with an event involving serious injury, death, or threat to the physical integrity of an individual, along with a response involving helplessness and/or intense fear or horror. The more severe the trauma and the more intense the acute stress symptoms, the higher the risk for PTSD. When these events involve an individual with a physiologic vulnerability based on genetic (inherited) contributions and other personal characteristics, PTSD results. These personal characteristics include prior exposure to trauma, childhood adversity (eg, separation from parents), and preexisting anxiety or depression.

Researchers have identified factors that interact to influence vulnerability to developing PTSD. These factors include the following:

- Characteristics of the trauma exposure itself - Proximity to, severity of, and duration of exposure to the trauma

- Characteristics of the individual - Prior trauma exposures, family history or prior psychiatric illness, and sex (Women are at greatest risk for many of the most common assertive traumas.)

- Posttrauma factors - Availability of social support, emergence of avoidance or numbing, hyperarousal, and reexperiencing symptoms.

PTSD can be acute (symptoms lasting less than 3 months), chronic (symptoms lasting more than 3 months), or of delayed onset (6 months elapses from event to symptom onset).

When a family member is diagnosed with PTSD, the entire family may be affected. Members may experience shock, fear, anger, and pain because of their concern for the victim. Living with family members who have PTSD does not cause PTSD. Yet, it can cause some similar symptoms, such as feelings of alienation from and anger toward the victim. Other family members may find it difficult to communicate with a person with PTSD. Sleep disturbance and abuse (physical and substance) may occur among family members.

Families should engage in counseling if anger, addiction, or problems in school or work become issues. Stress and anger management and couples' therapy are possibilities. Families should try to maintain their outside relationships and should continue to be involved in pleasurable activities.

- From www.emedicine.com

Not "Just Friends"

2008-02-12T23:59:00.001-08:00

Just because infidelity in increasingly common doesn't mean that most people understand it. So much of the advice on television shows and in popular books about how to affair-proof your marriage is misleading. In fact, much of the conventional wisdom about what causes affairs and how to repair relationships is misguided.

Popular thinking about infidelity - the therapy that deals with it - is clouded by myths. The facts, which my research and clinical experience prove, are much more surprising and thought-provoking than unfounded popular and clinical assumptions. Here are a few truths that you will learn from this book:

Assumption: Affairs happen in unhappy or unloving marriages.
Fact: Affairs can happen in good marriages. Affairs are less about love and more about sliding across boundaries.

Assumption: Affairs occur mostly because of sexual attraction.
Fact: The lure of an affair is how the unfaithful partner is mirrored back through the adoring eyes of the new love. Another appeal is that individuals experience new roles and opportunities for growth in new relationships.

Assumption: A cheating partner almost always leaves clues, so a naive spouse must be burying his or head in the sand.
Fact: The majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partner never finds out.

Assumption: A persona having an affair shows less interest in sex at home.
Fact: The excitement of an affair can increase passion at home and make sex even more interesting.

Assumption: The person having an affair isn't "getting enough" at home.
Fact: The truth is that the unfaithful partner may not be giving enough. In fact, the spouse who gives too little is at greater risk than the spouse who gives too much because he or she is less invested.

Assumption: A straying partner finds fault with everything you do.
Fact: He or she may in fact become Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful in order to escape detection. Most likely, he or she will be alternately critical and devoted.

- An excerpt from Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D.

The Dark Side of Creativity

2007-09-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

We all have dreams, and many of them have this theme of trying desperately to do something that never seems to work out. While the dreams are going on, they seem so real, even though what is actually happening may have little to do with reality. Dreams, like all behaviors, are total behaviors. They should be called dreaming and, since they all take place in our heads, they are the thinking component of that total behavior. During dreams, we are mostly acting, but we are also thinking, we feel emotions, and our physiology are certainly normal for what we are doing.

Dreams are vivid examples of how creative all of us are. Dreams have no boundaries, little logic, and no necessary grounding in anything that could be called reality. Literally, anything can happen, but while it is happening, it all seems to make sense. Although researchers believe that dreams help us get the maximum rest from sleep, it is the inherent creativity they represent that is what this topic is all about.

A life without creativity would be hardly worth living. The creative system may operate when we are sleeping as in dreaming but what it does while we are awake is far more important. There is also the possibility this same system can cause us great harm as it goes about its business by creating painful and self-destructive total behaviors. This destructive creativity is most often seen when we want good relationships and are not able to get them.

For example, when we are lonely, there is nothing effective we can do to close the wound. But because there is nothing effective we can do does not mean we do nothing. This is exactly the situation for which our creative system evolved. It never shuts down or gives up. It keeps trying on its own to help us deal with our loneliness or anything else we want either by adding creativity to a behavior we already have or, at times, creating a whole new behavior that might be more effective in the given situation.

In many instances, it offers new actions and thoughts, which we can reject if we believe that what is offered will make things worse. It is difficult to reject what it offers, and often we could use counseling to help us, but we usually have enough voluntary control over our actions and thoughts to do this, especially if we are able to understand this is a choice. What I am talking about here is when we are offered violent or suicidal thoughts and actions that for us are very new. Also when we are offered psychotic or crazy thoughts or what is commonly called schizophrenia or bi-polar disease. Or when we obsess and compulse as we frequently do when we are lonely. And when we are exposed to a traumatic situation as in posttraumatic stress disorder and handle it painfully but creatively. In almost all instances, by improving our relationships, we may be able to reject these thoughts and actions. Many people do.

When we face a large frustration in a relationship, we don’t know what to do to reduce the frustration. We search our memories for an old behavior that has given us some relief in the past. In almost all instances, we immediately find depressing, a familiar behavior we learned as a child. But depressing is not an effective behavior, it hurts and immobilizes. Still, it gives us more relief than anything else we know, for three reasons.

First, depressing, and all other symptomatic behaviors, including arthritis, restrain a lot of anger, which, if unleashed, would make things worse. Second, these behaviors include a powerful call for help, and in many instances good counseling is effective. If we have an autoimmune disease we will also look for a doctor who may counsel or recommend counseling, which could be helpful. Third, these behaviors keep us from trying to do something we fear we may fail at. It’s easier to depress or to be sick than to look for a new relationship or a new job, especially if we’ve had some experience with rejection, which most of us have.

Although depressing gives us some control, it does so at a very high price: misery. Even as we depress, our misery and our continued frustration force us to keep looking for better behaviors. Even when we seem resigned to what has happened, we are not. It is not in our genes to accept a major frustration, such as an unsatisfying relationship, without getting our creative systems involved. Our creative system may not come up with something that is mentally or physically more harmful than depressing. But whatever it does, its purpose is to try to find a new total behavior that will lead to some resolution of the problem.

But besides physiological behaviors, it is far more common for us to be offered usually one, but sometimes a whole group of, psychological acting, thinking, and feeling behaviors by our creative systems. Together with depressing, psychiatrists call these total behaviors mental illness. Most of these total behaviors fall under the heading of neurosis; psychosis; or physical pain, such as headaching and backaching, for which there is no evidence of a physical cause.

If they are psychological, we may never, even with counseling, discover the reason we choose them, but it almost always has to do with a relationship problem. The problem does not have to be love; it may be that we want more care or less demanded of us, but whatever it is, an important relationship is not working for us. If you look for the unsatisfying relationship, you are on the right track. This is the usual method in our madness.

But because these behaviors, called mental illness, are offered does not mean we have to accept them. In psychosis, our creative system offers hallucinations and delusions, even physical creativity as in catatonia, and offers them so strongly it is hard for us not to accept them. If our lives are far out of effective control, it may be almost impossible for us to reject them. We need to restrain the anger. We often want help, and we can use the symptoms to avoid having to take care of ourselves or to look for and hold on to a new and necessary relationship. Good counseling can often persuade us to stop accepting the offered psychological creativity. But even with no help, not everyone who chooses to accept craziness stays crazy.

Hundreds of thousands of people who function very well today have had episodes of craziness in their lives. Millions more who have chosen to depress, phobic, obsess, compulse, anxietize, panic, and ache and pain with no physical basis for that pain no longer do so. Some start to refuse these creative offerings on their own, and many go to counselors. With counseling, they are able to gain enough effective control over their lives that they no longer choose these behaviors. Finally, the creative system may offer the idea of suicide: Get rid of the problem and, with it, the pain once and for all. People who commit suicide make their last creative move. But many of them, if offered counseling, would welcome it and avoid the final step.

Helping people to look at a psychological problem as a choice is a liberating awareness. The mystery, the fear that something beyond their control has suddenly come over them, is removed. They can now learn that other choices are possible, and acting on those new, more effective choices sets them free to explore lives with creativity that does not harm them.

- An excerpt from Choice Theory by Dr. William Glasser

12 Irrational Beliefs That Cause and Sustain Neurosis

2007-07-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

1. The idea that it is a dire necessity for adults to be loved by significant others for almost everything they do -- instead of their concentrating on their own self-respect, on winning approval for practical purposes, and on loving rather than on being loved.

2. The idea that certain acts are awful or wicked, and that people who perform such acts should be severely damned -- instead of the idea that certain acts are self-defeating or antisocial, and that people who perform such acts are behaving stupidly, ignorantly, or neurotically, and would be better helped to change. People's poor behaviors do not make them rotten individuals.

3. The idea that it is horrible when things are not the way we like them to be -- instead of the idea that it is too bad, that we would better try to change or control bad conditions so that they become more satisfactory, and, if that is not possible, we had better temporarily accept and gracefully lump their exis tence.

4. The idea that human misery is invariably externally caused and is forced on us by outside people and events -- instead of the idea that neurosis is largely caused by the view that we take of unfortunate conditions.

5. The idea that if something is or may be dangerous or fearsome we should be terribly upset and endlessly obsess about it -- instead of the idea that one would better frankly face it and render it non-dangerous and, when that is not possible, accept the inevitable.

6. The idea that it is easier to avoid than to face life difficulties and self-responsibilities -- instead of the idea that the so-called easy way is usually much harder in the long run.

7. The idea that we absolutely need something other or stronger or greater than ourself on which to rely -- instead of the idea that it is better to take the risks of thinking and acting less dependently.

8. The idea that we should be thoroughly competent, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects -- instead of the idea that we would better do rather than always need to do well and accept ourself as a quite imperfect creature, who has general human limitations and specific fallibilities.

9. The idea that because something once strongly affected our life, it should indefinitely affect it -- instead of the idea that we can learn from our past experiences but not be overly-attached to or prejudiced by them.

10. The idea that we must have certain and perfect control over things -- instead of the idea that the world is full of probability and chance and that we can still enjoy life despite this.

11. The idea that human happiness can be achieved by inertia and inaction -- instead of the idea that we tend to be happiest when we are vitally absorbed in creative pursuits, or when we are devoting ourselves to people or projects outside ourselves.

12. The idea that we have virtually no control over our emotions and that we cannot help feeling disturbed about things -- instead of the idea that we have real control over our destructive emotions if we choose to work at changing the musturbatory hypotheses which we often employ to create them.

(From The Essence of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, by Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Revised, May 1994.)

Quotes by William Glasser - Founder of Reality Therapy

2007-07-12T07:50:00.001-07:00

Caring for but never trying to own may be a further way to define friendship.

Don't marry someone you would not be friends with if there was no sex between you.

Everybody needs one essential friend.

Good or bad, everything we do is our best choice at that moment.

If everyone could learn that what is right for me does not make it right for anyone else, the world would be a much happier place.

If you want to change attitudes, start with a change in behavior.

In a Glasser Quality School there is no such thing as a closed book test. Students are told to get out their notes and open their books. There is no such thing as being forbidden to ask the teacher or another student for help.

It is almost impossible for anyone, even the most ineffective among us, to continue to choose misery after becoming aware that it is a choice.

Sex is on the minds of most people, especially those who shouldn't be having it.

Too many of us fail to fulfill our needs because we say no rather than yes, or perhaps later in life, yes when we should say no.

We almost always have choices, and the better the choice, the more we will be in control of our lives.

We are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.

When we label anyone 'bad', we will have more trouble dealing with him than if we could have settled for a lesser label.

Without pay, no human being will work up to their ability if he or she is not cared for and respected.

Quotes by Albert Ellis - Founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy

2007-07-12T07:07:00.000-07:00

Acceptance is not love. You love a person because he or she has lovable traits, but you accept everybody just because they're alive and human.

I get people to truly accept themselves unconditionally, whether or not their therapist or anyone loves them.

If something is irrational, that means it won't work. It's usually unrealistic.

Let's suppose somebody abused you sexually. You still had a choice, though not a good one, about what to tell yourself about the abuse.

People could rationally decide that prolonged relationships take up too much time and effort and that they'd much rather do other kinds of things. But most people are afraid of rejection.

People don't just get upset. They contribute to their upsetness.

People got insights into what was bothering them, but they hardly did a damn thing to change.

Rational beliefs bring us closer to getting good results in the real world.

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.

There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.

There's no evidence whatsoever that men are more rational than women. Both sexes seem to be equally irrational.

We teach people that they upset themselves. We can't change the past, so we change how people are thinking, feeling and behaving today.

We teach people to be flexible, scientific and logical in their thinking and therefore to be less prone to brainwashing by the therapist.