Living together before marriage

Living together before marriage

Blogging - It's Good for You

Self-medication may be the reason the blogosphere has taken off. Scientists (and writers) have long known about the therapeutic benefits of writing about personal experiences, thoughts and feelings. But besides serving as a stress-coping mechanism, expressive writing produces many physiological benefits. Research shows that it improves memory and sleep, boosts immune cell activity and reduces viral load in AIDS patients, and even speeds healing after surgery. A study in the February issue of the Oncologist reports that cancer patients who engaged in expressive writing just before treatment felt markedly better, mentally and physically, as compared with patients who did not.

Scientists now hope to explore the neurological underpinnings at play, especially considering the explosion of blogs. According to Alice Flaherty, a neuroscientist at Harvard University and Massachusetts General Hospital, the placebo theory of suffering is one window through which to view blogging. As social creatures, humans have a range of pain-related behaviors, such as complaining, which acts as a “placebo for getting satisfied,” Flaherty says. Blogging about stressful experiences might work similarly.

Flaherty, who studies conditions such as hypergraphia (an uncontrollable urge to write) and writer’s block, also looks to disease models to explain the drive behind this mode of communication. For example, people with mania often talk too much. “We believe something in the brain’s limbic system is boosting their desire to communicate,” Flaherty explains. Located mainly in the midbrain, the limbic system controls our drives, whether they are related to food, sex, appetite, or problem solving. “You know that drives are involved [in blogging] because a lot of people do it compulsively,” Flaherty notes. Also, blogging might trigger dopamine release, similar to stimulants like music, running and looking at art.

The frontal and temporal lobes, which govern speech—no dedicated writing center is hardwired in the brain—may also figure in. For example, lesions in Wernicke’s area, located in the left temporal lobe, result in excessive speech and loss of language comprehension. People with Wernicke’s aphasia speak in gibberish and often write constantly. In light of these traits, Flaherty speculates that some activity in this area could foster the urge to blog.

Scientists’ understanding about the neurobiology underlying therapeutic writing must remain speculative for now. Attempts to image the brain before and after writing have yielded minimal information because the active regions are located so deep inside. Recent functional magnetic resonance imaging studies have shown that the brain lights up differently before, during and after writing, notes James Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin. But Pennebaker and others remain skeptical about the value of such images because they are hard to duplicate and quantify.

Most likely, writing activates a cluster of neurological pathways, and several researchers are committed to uncovering them. At the University of Arizona, psychologist and neuroscientist Richard Lane hopes to make brain-imaging techniques more relevant by using those techniques to study the neuroanatomy of emotions and their expressions. Nancy Morgan, lead author of the Oncologist study, is looking to conduct larger community-based and clinical trials of expressive writing. And Pennebaker is continuing to investigate the link between expressive writing and biological changes, such as improved sleep, that are integral to health. “I think the sleep angle is one of the more promising ones,” he says.

Whatever the underlying causes may be, people coping with cancer diagnoses and other serious conditions are increasingly seeking—and finding—solace in the blogosphere. “Blogging undoubtedly affords similar benefits” to expressive writing, says Morgan, who wants to incorporate writing programs into supportive care for cancer patients.

Some hospitals have started hosting patient-authored blogs on their Web sites as clinicians begin to recognize the therapeutic value. Unlike a bedside journal, blogging offers the added benefit of receptive readers in similar situations, Morgan explains: “Individuals are connecting to one another and witnessing each other’s expressions—the basis for forming a community.”

This article was originally printed with the title, "The Healthy Type".

Source: Written by Jessica Wapner for Scientific American Magazine, June 2008 issue.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-healthy-type

Tips For Those Who Are Lonely and Depressed

There is nothing that feels much worse sometimes than being lonely and depressed at the same time. Usually, loneliness tends to facilitate depression, although it's a fact that many people who are mild to moderately depressed tend to isolate themselves from others creating their own lonely situation. Sometimes it's hard to know which feeling causes the other, but there are some simple, practical steps that you can take to help you deal with some of the issues of loneliness and depression.

If you are not seriously clinically depressed, in which case you should see a doctor for help, you can make a few adjustments in your life which can help you tremendously. The most important thing is to give yourself something to look forward to that is stable and reassuring during this time of feeling lonely and depressed. One of the best ways to do that is to make a predictable schedule in your life for a whole month. Sometimes scheduling your life around some personal positives within a set amount of time can really add a lift to your life and help with the negative feelings you are experiencing. Here's where to start:

Establish a Sleep Pattern

Make a choice to go to bed before midnight every night for a whole month - Did you know that every hour of sleep before midnight is worth 2 hours of sleep after midnight? Try to establish a routine for your body by going to bed the same time and getting out of bed the same time every day, whether you feel like it or not. This will help your body and mind adjust to a positive cycle of rest and sleep.

Eat Well

Eat at least two well balanced meals a day. Even though you may eat three meals a day, make sure that two of the three are nutritionally well balanced. Breakfast and one other meal are generally the most important to receive necessary nutrients.

Exercise

Add an exercise routine to your week - Even if you've never exercised before in your life, start now! If it's just a simple 30 minute walk around the block, or at the local high school track or at the indoor mall, do it at least 4 times every week. Walk more if you feel like it.

Quit Thinking of Only Yourself

Do one random act of kindness for someone each day - Think of someone other than yourself every single day! Maybe your coworker needs some help, or maybe an elderly person needs a lift to the grocery store or perhaps your neighbor is ill and needs a dinner meal. Send a card, say "Good job!" or pat someone on the back for change. Do something, however small, that encourages someone else. At the end of the month, you will have gifted others with 30 acts of random kindness!

Start a Hobby

Choose a hobby to engage in throughout the whole month - Even if you don't really do anything, choose something. Maybe you'd like to learn Spanish or gardening. Perhaps you'd like to bowl or learn calligraphy. Take a class or join a group or join the gym. It really doesn't matter, but find something that interests you and become involved in it at least once a week for a month.

Have Dinner with Someone

Ask one person out to eat with you at least once a week - Whether it's family, a friend, a coworker or a casual acquaintance with whom you've never taken the time to get to know, ask them to eat lunch or dinner with you. This alone can help you if you're lonely and depressed.

Make these simple choices at the start of 30 days and don't deter from them. Even if you are lonely and depressed, don't allow yourself to be passive. It's only for 30 days! You will be surprised at how you feel at the end of a month of changes in your life. You will benefit from feeling better, looking better and maybe even helping someone else in the process. Many times, by helping others, we are helping ourselves!

- Bryan Sims writes about various topics including health issues and product information for the online audience. Find information about the newest website at http://www.wallmountforlcdtv.net/ which helps people find super saver deals on a wall mount for lcd tv and more information about various types of wall mounts for televisions.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Bryan_Sims

8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common.
1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue.
2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one.
3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?

by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance
Source: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/8-toxic-personalities-to-avoid-461078/

The Power of Prayer

No matter what your religious beliefs are, prayer can be a powerful force for strengthening faith, calming emotions, and even improving physical health.

Praying…does it really help? This sixty-four thousand dollar question has been around since the beginning of time. Some say yes and some say no. So, who is right? I guess it kind of depends on your faith in God and how you have learned about God, no matter whom you perceive to be your God. I am not talking about praying in the context of a specific religion. Religion is an organized set of beliefs we have created to govern our actions and how we think God wants us to conduct ourselves. No matter what religion or denomination we follow, we pray mostly because God says to do so.

What do you pray for? You can pray for anything. People often pray for their loved ones who may be sick or going through a difficult time. You may ask for help on a problem at work, or help with passing a test for school. You may pray for yourself to be a better, more tolerant person, or you may be going through a personal crisis that you can’t handle on your own. You may pray for success. But keep in mind that the meaning of "success" to you may not be the same as what it is to God. You may pray for a Mercedes so you can go to church or take the kids to school. God will help get you to church and your kids to school, but not necessarily in a Mercedes.

The psychological benefits of prayer are obvious—focusing your emotions by praying can help to relieve stress, calm fears, reduce anxiety, and impart calm in the midst of a storm. Praying on a regular basis can have an enormous effect on your psyche by stabilizing your moods, giving you a feeling of well-being, both physical and psychological, improving how you interact with others, and positively changing how you conduct yourself.

But prayer can be a boon to physical health in addition to emotional health. The physiological benefits of praying can be very far-reaching. These benefits have been studied and fully documented in medical journals. There is also a wealth of information on the benefits of praying before risky medical surgery. In a number of important studies, patients who prayed before surgery came through their operations in much better shape than those who did not pray.

Some of the most powerful and successful political leaders all over the world have professed to praying on a regular basis. The power of prayer has helped them to overcome poverty in their countries, keep their people together, and stand up to their enemies with courage and resolve.

Does God answer all prayers? I believe that God does indeed answer every prayer. It may not be the answer we are looking for, but He does answer in His own way and in His own time. Often we become impatient and expect fast results. Sometimes it may take a lifetime to get an answer. Therefore, praying and patience must go hand in hand—praying on a regular basis teaches patience and strengthens faith in God, no matter who you think of as God. There are literally thousands of articles and stories published each year by publications such as Guideposts, Angels on Earth, and Readers Digest, to name a few, about people from all walks of life who have used prayer to benefit themselves or loved ones, often with the unexpected result of receiving more than they asked for.

So does praying really help? The answer is a resounding yes. There is an enormous amount of evidential, testimonial, and scientific proof that prayer really does help us emotionally and physically, not only in our time of need, but also—and most importantly—in our everyday lives.

By Gary Orlando
Source: http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/1-25-2005-64805.asp

Healing the Grieving Heart

Someone to whom you have given love and from whom you have received love has died. You are in mourning. You are bereft. To be “bereaved” literally means “to be torn apart” and “to have special needs.” I am truly sorry for your loss.

Perhaps your most important “special need” right now is to be compassionate with yourself. Over my years of walking with people in grief, I have learned that many of us are hard on ourselves when we are in mourning. We often have inappropriate expectations of how “well” we should be doing with our grief (Wolfelt, 2001).

These expectations result from common societal messages that tell us to be strong in the face of grief. We are told to “carry on,” to “keep our chins up,” and to “keep busy.” In actuality, when we are in grief, we need to slow down, to turn inward, to embrace our feelings of loss and to seek and accept support.

Good self-care is essential during a time of mourning. It does not mean that you are feeling sorry for yourself; rather, it means you are allowing yourself to heal. For it is in nurturing ourselves, in allowing ourselves the time and loving attention we need to journey through our grief, that we find meaning in our continued living (Wolfelt, 2001).

The following is a list of things to consider as you go through the journey of mourning:


1. Understanding the difference between grief and mourning.

Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies.
Mourning is the outward expression of grief.

Everyone who has the capacity to give and receive love grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.

2. Be compassionate with yourself.

The journey through grief is a long and difficult one. It is also a journey for which there is no preparation.

Don’t judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing. Each person’s grieving process is unique. Each of us has unique needs during this process.

3. Acknowledge the reality of the death.

You must gently confront the difficult reality that someone you loved is dead and will never physically be present to you again.

Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months.

You will first acknowledge the reality of the loss with your head. Only over time will you come to acknowledge it with your heart.

At times, you may push away the reality of the death. This is normal.

4. Embrace the pain of the loss.

It is easier to avoid, repress, or push away the pain of grief than it is to confront it.
You will probably need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. If you were to allow all the pain at once, you could not survive.

5. Expect to have a multitude of feelings.

When in grief, we don’t just feel sad. We may feel numb, angry, guilty, afraid, or confused. Sometimes these feelings follow each other within a short period of time or they may occur simultaneously.

6. Know that grief does not proceed in orderly predictable stages or in a certain time.

Be compassionate with yourself as you go through your own unique grief journey.

7. Remember the person who died.

When someone loved dies, that person lives on in us through memory.

To heal, you need to actively remember the person who died and commemorate the life that was lived.
Never let anyone take your memories away in a misguided attempt to save you from pain. It is good for you to continue to display photos of the person who died.

8. Develop a new self-identity.

Part of your self-identity was formed by the relationship you had with the person who passed away. You will need to re-anchor yourself and reconstruct your self-identity slowly.

9. Receive ongoing support from others.

As mourners, we need the love and understanding of others if we are to heal.

Don’t feel ashamed by your dependence on others right now. Grief is a process, not an event, and you will need the continued support of your friends and family for weeks, months and years. You may also wish to seek support from a counselor.

10. Allow for numbness.

Feelings of shock, numbness and disbelief are nature’s way of temporarily protecting us from the full reality of the death of someone loved.

We often think, “I will wake up and this will not have happened.” Mourning can feel like being in a dream.

11. Plan or participate in a meaningful ceremony for the person who died.

Rituals are symbolic activities that help us, together with our families and friends, express our deepest thoughts and feelings about life’s most important events.

12. Be aware that your grief affects your body, heart, social self and spirit.

Grief is physically demanding. The body responds to the stress of the encounter and the immune system can weaken, making you more susceptible to illness.
The emotional toll of grief is complex and painful. We often feel many different feelings, and those feelings can shift and blur over time.

13. Allow yourself to cry.

Crying is a cleansing and healing form of mourning.

14. Reach out and touch.

For many people, physical contact with another person is healing.

15. Express your faith.

If you have faith or spirituality, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.

This may come in the form of praying. Studies have shown that praying helps people heal.

16. Simplify your life.

During grief, we are often overwhelmed by all the tasks and commitments we have.

During this time it can be helpful to keep your life simple.

17. Allow yourself to say no.

Especially soon after the death, you may lack the energy as well as the desire to participate in activities you use to find pleasurable.

18. Be mindful of anniversaries and holidays.

Anniversaries--- of the death, life events, birthdays, and holidays --- can be especially hard when you are in grief. Reach out to others on these difficult days.

19. Reassess your priorities.

What gives your life meaning? What doesn’t? Take steps to spend more time on the things that give your life meaning.

20. Allow for feelings of unfinished business.

Death often brings about feelings of unfinished business. The sudden loss of a loved one can be very different than the anticipated loss of a loved one. After a sudden death we may be left with feelings of things we never did, things we didn’t get to say, things we wish we hadn’t said or done. Allow yourself to think and feel through these “if onlys”. You may never be able to fully resolve these issues, but if you permit yourself to mourn them, you will become reconciled to them.

21. Write a letter to your loved one.

Is there something you wanted to say to the person who died, but never did? Write him or her a letter and openly express thoughts and feelings.

22. Establish a memorial fund in the name of the person who died.

What was meaningful to the person who died? Did he or she support a certain non-profit organization or participate in a certain recreational activity?


23. Count your blessings.

You may not feel very good about your life right now. That’s O.K. Still, you are blessed. Your life has purpose and meaning. It will just take you some time to think and feel this through for yourself.



This was adapted from the Book Healing Your Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

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